What was taken from me

He stole my self esteem....

I realized that even after 9 years, I still sometimes think about the ex and what happened. I have been struggling the last couple of years with the weight and my appearance. I look at pictures and it just doesn't seem like me. I don't know if it's the changes over time or what it is, but they just don't look like me. I see someone who's fat and out of shape with hair that just doesn't work. I was looking through some photos that were pre-ex and some that were early on and those are what I remember looking like. I was smiling and healthy and happy. Lately, I don't feel like any of that. I realized it's because he took something from me that I can't get back. No matter how much I try, how much money I spend on myself, or the toys I buy to make me feel better. I can't get back my self-esteem. I keep going to school to learn more. I buy expensive cars to look the part. I have nice clothes in hopes that I will feel good wearing them. I take trips and vacations hoping to find the fun loving person I used to be. All it's gotten me is a HUGE credit card debt. But I can't get back what he stole from me.

I just don't think that part of me will ever come back. And that makes me very sad. I used to be the one that everyone liked. The one that was the life of the party and always had a good time no matter what. Now I feel like I'm just here sometimes. Then I get people who say things about me and to me that are just plain mean. It all adds up and piles on to the point where sometimes I just want to lay there and not live in reality anymore. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as much. I don't enjoy things like I used to. And I know that affects those around me. No one wants to be around someone who's broken. So I try to put on the smile and the charm. Just like I was taught when I was younger. You have to look good on the outside no matter what. But I still feel empty. Like there's a hole where my self esteem is supposed to be.