Six months seems to be the theme of my life these days. Everything is based on six months.
It all started when Joe was sent to NY. He was originally supposed to only be 6 months (Dec-May). I thought to myself that it's not that long in the grand scheme of life. It'll be okay. Little did I know that I would continue to hear "six months". Some good, some bad. Here it is more than 6 months later and he's still not home. But the theme continues.
I have 6 months until the wedding. When I think about it sometimes it seems like forever. But then other times I panic because Joe is not here and there are still lots of loose ends that need to be tied up.
Because I have 6 months until the wedding, I have 6 months to get myself back into shape. I've been exercising but not consistently and not aggressively. I'm ready to take this thing to the next level and get rid of all the excess. Excess of fat, excess foods, and excess negative feelings. I have 6 months to lose weight, gain muscle, and look FANTASTIC in my dress.
Along that same path, my cardiologist told me I could come off my cholesterol medication and see how it goes. The first check with just kinda watching my diet and inconsistent exercise was only 20 points too high. He has now given me 6 months to lose weight and lose those 20 points. If I can't, I will have to go back on the medicine. I'm 37 and I've already been on them for 8 years. I don't want to continue for the rest of my life.
I have now been on my job for 6 months. They keep telling me the honeymoon will end soon but it just doesn't seem that way. While I wish I could be paid a little better and more in line with what other PNPs in my position around the country, I can't complain too much. It got a little crazy these last few weeks with various co-workers being out and having to rearrange the schedule. But overall, the job is good and I'm comfortable there. I have a lot of great people I work with. I still miss my FH peeps, but even if I were to go back it will never be the same. They say you can't ever really go back home and that's what I feel like. Some of the people that made it a good place have left to pursue other avenues. Those that are left I still get to see, though not as often as I would like.
I'm hoping that the next 6 months will go by as quickly as the last 6 months. I was very much dreading Joe being gone for that long and now we are on the downhill portion. He now has 6 WEEKS until he gets to come home for good!!
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Catching Up
The last 3 months have been a little crazy. It's funny how one little bump in the road can make you go completely off course! Lots of good and exciting things have happened, but I've been so preoccupied with the negative that it was hard to be excited about the positive. I complete my first half marathon in March. Instead of being excited and posting about it, it just didn't seem like it was a big deal. All I could think about it I should have been able to do better and getting frustrated with myself for being lazy. I have an awesome job and have taken on some added responsibilities. But I keep focusing on how little I know about the new specialty and not being the best.
I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests. Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back. Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds. Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had. Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it. I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months. Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.
I've always been a perfectionist. My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be. It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do. The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me. I could be skinnier. I could be stronger. I could be a better runner. I could be a better athlete period. I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner. When it doesn't happen, it angers me. I get angry with myself. This leads to a lot of frustration. And lately I've just stop trying to be better. I've accepted my weight. I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me. I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything. But is that really for the better??
I need structure. I need a goal. I need a purpose. Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control. I have to keep trying to be better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan. It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better. Then life happens and I slack off. But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money. It's a little more motivating. I have a schedule for my workouts. I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it. I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress. I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.
I will be spending the next few months catching up on life. Catching up with all the things I've let slack. Catching up on perfection!
I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests. Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back. Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds. Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had. Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it. I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months. Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.
I've always been a perfectionist. My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be. It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do. The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me. I could be skinnier. I could be stronger. I could be a better runner. I could be a better athlete period. I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner. When it doesn't happen, it angers me. I get angry with myself. This leads to a lot of frustration. And lately I've just stop trying to be better. I've accepted my weight. I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me. I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything. But is that really for the better??
I need structure. I need a goal. I need a purpose. Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control. I have to keep trying to be better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan. It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better. Then life happens and I slack off. But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money. It's a little more motivating. I have a schedule for my workouts. I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it. I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress. I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.
I will be spending the next few months catching up on life. Catching up with all the things I've let slack. Catching up on perfection!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Beginnings and Endings
The last couple of months of 2009 were filled with all sorts of chaos with trying to figure out where my life was going and what I'm supposed to be doing. As 2009 came to a quick close, I started thinking about beginnings and endings.
On Jan 13th, 2010, I will hit the 10yr anniversary of my divorce. That day in 2000 was both a beginning and an ending. It marked the ending of 9 years with my ex. The end of life as I knew it. The end of everything I had try to make work. And as I thought at the time, the end of my happiness. That was true for a time. It was then I decided to make it a beginning. Thanks to my bestest friend Teri, I was able to start everything over. I left everything behind, packed a 5x8 trailer with my personal effects, and moved to Central Florida where I had my new beginning.
Since then, there have been many beginnings and endings. Some more devastating that others. The ending of life when I lost both of my grandparents. The beginning of life seeing many friends get married and have children. Jobs coming and going. People coming and going. Cancer coming and going.
As I stand before 2010, I see all the beginnings and can look back at the endings without regret. Tomorrow I start my dream job. I have been working my whole career to take care of kids facing cardiac issues. Everything I have learned up to now has prepared me for this adventure. I will be taking care of the kids, teaching, learning, and doing it in a place that will support me. I am so excited for this beginning. Of course, every beginning starts at an ending. I am ending 10 years at Florida Hospital. It is truly bittersweet. I have many friends that I am leaving behind and many memories. All the familiarity of the NICU. But I'm leaving behind all the things that have made me unhappy as well. The "beatings" by the management. The freedoms that were slowly taken from me. The financial situation I have been placed in by the lack of compensation for the work I did. Those I am not sad about.
In January 2000 I was living the worst time of my life. I had lost my best friend, my love, and my life. I couldn't function. In the middle of dealing with that ending, I began seeing a new guy. And in December 2000 we decided to officially start dating. I was not in a position to really give anything to anyone. But he was patient and understanding. He enjoyed being with me and didn't push anything I wasn't ready for. In December of 2009 we celebrated 9 years together. After all the things we've been through in those 9 years, we are ready to take the leap. On December 4th, 2010 (2 days before our 10 year anniversary), we will be taking those vows to let everyone know what we have already decided for each other. That we are in this for the long haul, for better and for worse.
Somewhere along the way, my body had it's own beginning. It began to show the signs of all the stress and age. I gained a lot of weight, my thyroid messed up, and I got cancer. 2010 will be a new year for all of that. February will be the 1 year anniversary of my surgery and to this point, I remain cancer free. So hopefully I have seen the end of cancer. But the weight is still an issue. My goal is to see the end of that as well!
2010 marks the beginning of promise. The promise of good things to come. Not that there won't be any endings, but with God's help, I can face those endings and bumps in the road without falling. A new job, a new phase in my relationship with marriage, a new body, and a renewed hope in things to come.
On Jan 13th, 2010, I will hit the 10yr anniversary of my divorce. That day in 2000 was both a beginning and an ending. It marked the ending of 9 years with my ex. The end of life as I knew it. The end of everything I had try to make work. And as I thought at the time, the end of my happiness. That was true for a time. It was then I decided to make it a beginning. Thanks to my bestest friend Teri, I was able to start everything over. I left everything behind, packed a 5x8 trailer with my personal effects, and moved to Central Florida where I had my new beginning.
Since then, there have been many beginnings and endings. Some more devastating that others. The ending of life when I lost both of my grandparents. The beginning of life seeing many friends get married and have children. Jobs coming and going. People coming and going. Cancer coming and going.
As I stand before 2010, I see all the beginnings and can look back at the endings without regret. Tomorrow I start my dream job. I have been working my whole career to take care of kids facing cardiac issues. Everything I have learned up to now has prepared me for this adventure. I will be taking care of the kids, teaching, learning, and doing it in a place that will support me. I am so excited for this beginning. Of course, every beginning starts at an ending. I am ending 10 years at Florida Hospital. It is truly bittersweet. I have many friends that I am leaving behind and many memories. All the familiarity of the NICU. But I'm leaving behind all the things that have made me unhappy as well. The "beatings" by the management. The freedoms that were slowly taken from me. The financial situation I have been placed in by the lack of compensation for the work I did. Those I am not sad about.
In January 2000 I was living the worst time of my life. I had lost my best friend, my love, and my life. I couldn't function. In the middle of dealing with that ending, I began seeing a new guy. And in December 2000 we decided to officially start dating. I was not in a position to really give anything to anyone. But he was patient and understanding. He enjoyed being with me and didn't push anything I wasn't ready for. In December of 2009 we celebrated 9 years together. After all the things we've been through in those 9 years, we are ready to take the leap. On December 4th, 2010 (2 days before our 10 year anniversary), we will be taking those vows to let everyone know what we have already decided for each other. That we are in this for the long haul, for better and for worse.
Somewhere along the way, my body had it's own beginning. It began to show the signs of all the stress and age. I gained a lot of weight, my thyroid messed up, and I got cancer. 2010 will be a new year for all of that. February will be the 1 year anniversary of my surgery and to this point, I remain cancer free. So hopefully I have seen the end of cancer. But the weight is still an issue. My goal is to see the end of that as well!
2010 marks the beginning of promise. The promise of good things to come. Not that there won't be any endings, but with God's help, I can face those endings and bumps in the road without falling. A new job, a new phase in my relationship with marriage, a new body, and a renewed hope in things to come.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
How Great is Our God
I don't normally preach, it's just not me. But I know I have some who will read this that don't believe in God, or if they do they don't subscribe to His way of life. Last night I attended the Chris Tomlin Glory in the Highest Christmas tour. I had an amazing experience and I just have to share it as my Christmas gift!
Lately I have been struggling. Somehow my life got of course and I've been struggling to get it back. Decisions that have been made and things that have happened. I'm wondering how I will ever get out of this. I grew up in church; was always taught about God and how he can help. But lately that's just not seemed to work. There was some part of me that just didn't believe that enough. Until last night...and I want to share with you what was said.
Louie Giglio is touring with Chris Tomlin and speaks during "half-time". Of course because it's a Christmas tour, he read the Christmas story. I've heard a million times. Luke chapter 2...a virgin was with child, they traveled to Bethlehem, born in a manger, shepherds, wisemen...blah, blah, blah. I was actually thinking of stretching my legs until I heard the real message.
Everyone thinks that everything has to be perfect for God. We have to dress a certain way, getting all dressed up for Christmas. The perfect tree, the perfect meal, the perfect person. But there was nothing about that night that was perfect. They were involved in a scandal of not being married and pregnant. She was 9 months pregnant and had to ride a donkey. They slept in a cave and were all alone when Jesus was born. And above all else, it was Tax Day! It was the worst situation to have a baby.
There were 400 years between the old testament and the new testament in the bible. God didn't have anything to say for 400 years! Then he chose to break the silence. Not with a loud announcement or bright lights and fireworks. But he simply chose a baby's cry. In the midst of all the craziness of that trip, all the problems and mess, he chose a baby's cry to make his statement.
Louie shared with us the 12 words of Christmas. "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you" (Luke 2:11). Not just "Here is His", but BORN TO YOU! Born in imperfection, born in all the mess, born to save ME. With all my mess, with all my imperfections. God chose a baby's cry to speak. That is the meaning of Christmas. "Merry Christmas" means wishing you peace with God through all your mess. The ultimate gift that God gave us.
Chris sings a song that I simply love. Every time I hear on the radio I'm belting it out. I'm sure those in the cars around me can hear it. It's his version of Amazing Grace. Here are the lyrics:
But when he sung it last night, I was filled with peace. I was overwhelmed by the thought that I didn't have to bear all of this. My faith in people will let me down every time. But I can stand tall because "My chains are gone, I've been set free". God's got my back. He also sings "How Great is Our God" and that's the truth. He is amazing...I just have to keep him beside me and I can walk through anything. I wish everyone a truly Merry Christmas.
Lately I have been struggling. Somehow my life got of course and I've been struggling to get it back. Decisions that have been made and things that have happened. I'm wondering how I will ever get out of this. I grew up in church; was always taught about God and how he can help. But lately that's just not seemed to work. There was some part of me that just didn't believe that enough. Until last night...and I want to share with you what was said.
Louie Giglio is touring with Chris Tomlin and speaks during "half-time". Of course because it's a Christmas tour, he read the Christmas story. I've heard a million times. Luke chapter 2...a virgin was with child, they traveled to Bethlehem, born in a manger, shepherds, wisemen...blah, blah, blah. I was actually thinking of stretching my legs until I heard the real message.
Everyone thinks that everything has to be perfect for God. We have to dress a certain way, getting all dressed up for Christmas. The perfect tree, the perfect meal, the perfect person. But there was nothing about that night that was perfect. They were involved in a scandal of not being married and pregnant. She was 9 months pregnant and had to ride a donkey. They slept in a cave and were all alone when Jesus was born. And above all else, it was Tax Day! It was the worst situation to have a baby.
There were 400 years between the old testament and the new testament in the bible. God didn't have anything to say for 400 years! Then he chose to break the silence. Not with a loud announcement or bright lights and fireworks. But he simply chose a baby's cry. In the midst of all the craziness of that trip, all the problems and mess, he chose a baby's cry to make his statement.
Louie shared with us the 12 words of Christmas. "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you" (Luke 2:11). Not just "Here is His", but BORN TO YOU! Born in imperfection, born in all the mess, born to save ME. With all my mess, with all my imperfections. God chose a baby's cry to speak. That is the meaning of Christmas. "Merry Christmas" means wishing you peace with God through all your mess. The ultimate gift that God gave us.
Chris sings a song that I simply love. Every time I hear on the radio I'm belting it out. I'm sure those in the cars around me can hear it. It's his version of Amazing Grace. Here are the lyrics:
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine
But when he sung it last night, I was filled with peace. I was overwhelmed by the thought that I didn't have to bear all of this. My faith in people will let me down every time. But I can stand tall because "My chains are gone, I've been set free". God's got my back. He also sings "How Great is Our God" and that's the truth. He is amazing...I just have to keep him beside me and I can walk through anything. I wish everyone a truly Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Stop the ride...I want off
As I approach the 10 month mark, I feel blessed for the days that God has given me. These last 10 months could have been scarred with chemo treatments and sickness. Instead, I have been able to recover without incident. Even participated in a triathlon! But it seems like things keep getting thrown at me and my arms are getting tired of catching them.
I've realized that I still have some emotional healing to do with regards to the divorce. You would think that 10 years would be long enough to heal the wounds. Apparently they are too deep and pain decides to rear it's ugly head every now and again. Going back to IN this past weekend was just another reminder. I was paranoid that I would run into him OR her. Driving by old hang outs or being reminded of the good times we had once shared. I still carry that burden in my left arm because it's the strongest.
My right arm was made weak by the surgery so that is where I carry that fear. I've had a clean CT scan post op and everyone has said all is well. But that fear still remains. What if....?? I've had a couple of test results over the last few weeks that have sent up some red flags. Getting the abdominal ultrasound tomorrow for the liver and getting the other rechecked in a few months.
Both arms are full and were already getting tired. Then today I get hit with Joe being sent to NY for 6 months. Now my heart is catching it. I have to go through the next 6 months with my best friend 1,236 mi away. Just when we thought that things were settling down.
I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle. Talking with my parents reminded me that we will weep for a time but joy will come in the morning. But this night seems to be lasting extra long.
I've realized that I still have some emotional healing to do with regards to the divorce. You would think that 10 years would be long enough to heal the wounds. Apparently they are too deep and pain decides to rear it's ugly head every now and again. Going back to IN this past weekend was just another reminder. I was paranoid that I would run into him OR her. Driving by old hang outs or being reminded of the good times we had once shared. I still carry that burden in my left arm because it's the strongest.
My right arm was made weak by the surgery so that is where I carry that fear. I've had a clean CT scan post op and everyone has said all is well. But that fear still remains. What if....?? I've had a couple of test results over the last few weeks that have sent up some red flags. Getting the abdominal ultrasound tomorrow for the liver and getting the other rechecked in a few months.
Both arms are full and were already getting tired. Then today I get hit with Joe being sent to NY for 6 months. Now my heart is catching it. I have to go through the next 6 months with my best friend 1,236 mi away. Just when we thought that things were settling down.
I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle. Talking with my parents reminded me that we will weep for a time but joy will come in the morning. But this night seems to be lasting extra long.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Dreaming and reality
I tend to have very vivid dreams and they are not always pleasant. I have some that are recurring and others that are random and really make no sense. But sometimes they give me insight to my subconscious about what's going on with me.
Last night I dreamt I was attending my ex-husbands funeral. Of course in real life I don't know if I'll ever know when he dies. We parted ways and don't keep in contact. That's for the better. But I was there and all the people in my former life were there as well. It wasn't a joyous reunion. I was shunned and disregarded. Some chose to not even acknowledge my existence, others looked at me with scorn. I spent the entire dream trying to convince those people that it was not my fault. That HE left ME and made his own decisions to ruin his life. I woke up with the same feelings I had back when everything transpired.
I had the realization the other day that my 10 year divorce anniversary is coming up this January and a lot of things have been stirred up in the past couple of months that have brought about some thoughts and feelings that I had long since buried. A lot of why I can't figure out who I am or where my life is going is because of what happened in October of 1999. He stripped me of my self esteem. He robbed me of my confidence and love for life. I literally felt like I was going to die. And I believe a little part of me did.
I have done everything I could subconsciously do over the past 10 years to try to bury those feelings and make up for what was lost. At first I was concerned about what those people thought of me. That I had to be such an awful wife that I was discarded and replaced. But then I realized that the ones who were truly my friends would understand it was not me. And those that weren't really didn't matter. I tried to forget him. Burning everything I had that reminded me of him. I kept 2 pictures....Prom and a trip to Kings Island. I decided that it was part of my past and I would never be completely rid of it. But I soon realized that 9 years of my life was with him and the memories were still there. I still saw his face and feel his touch when I closed my eyes. Over time that has faded, but he still permeates my dreams. He still tells me he loves me in the dreams.
Then I started trying to build the self esteem. I had lost a considerable amount of weight simply because I couldn't eat, but I still felt like I was ugly and worthless. Why else would I be traded in for something that I considered less? I started buying things. Clothes, gadgets, trips, nights out, anything that would make me feel better for the moment. When you hear about addictions, you think of drugs or alcohol. The things that make you feel better physically so you forget about all the things that make you upset. I never thought shopping would be an addiction. I would spend money I didn't have on things I didn't need because I felt better when I did. Of course with any addiction, it's only temporary, so you have to get more. I've racked up a considerable amount of credit card debt to feed this addiction. But it didn't help either.
I realized the other day that I thought 10 years later I would be all fixed. I would be married again with some kids, a fantastic husband, a great job, and lots of friends surrounding me. I would have no thoughts of the past, no thinking about what could have been. All the things one dreams of when lying in bed with all the pain and other feelings that bombard you. I have some of those things. I have a wonderful man, though I'm working on the "husband" part still. And I have FANTASTIC friends surrounding me. Kids are not in the cards for me with all the physical things that have happened. I'm dealing with the fear of cancer returning. My job is not what I planned. And all the pain and other feelings still pop up every now and again.
I've tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have failed me. He's still been there telling me he loves me. Until now....I have attended his funeral. I still don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's gone. I can deal with the feelings, but seeing him in my dreams repeatedly has made getting over him difficult. There were a lot of unresolved feelings and things I wish we could talk about and I could get some answers. I know that will never happen. I hope from now on the man in my dreams is truly dead.
Last night I dreamt I was attending my ex-husbands funeral. Of course in real life I don't know if I'll ever know when he dies. We parted ways and don't keep in contact. That's for the better. But I was there and all the people in my former life were there as well. It wasn't a joyous reunion. I was shunned and disregarded. Some chose to not even acknowledge my existence, others looked at me with scorn. I spent the entire dream trying to convince those people that it was not my fault. That HE left ME and made his own decisions to ruin his life. I woke up with the same feelings I had back when everything transpired.
I had the realization the other day that my 10 year divorce anniversary is coming up this January and a lot of things have been stirred up in the past couple of months that have brought about some thoughts and feelings that I had long since buried. A lot of why I can't figure out who I am or where my life is going is because of what happened in October of 1999. He stripped me of my self esteem. He robbed me of my confidence and love for life. I literally felt like I was going to die. And I believe a little part of me did.
I have done everything I could subconsciously do over the past 10 years to try to bury those feelings and make up for what was lost. At first I was concerned about what those people thought of me. That I had to be such an awful wife that I was discarded and replaced. But then I realized that the ones who were truly my friends would understand it was not me. And those that weren't really didn't matter. I tried to forget him. Burning everything I had that reminded me of him. I kept 2 pictures....Prom and a trip to Kings Island. I decided that it was part of my past and I would never be completely rid of it. But I soon realized that 9 years of my life was with him and the memories were still there. I still saw his face and feel his touch when I closed my eyes. Over time that has faded, but he still permeates my dreams. He still tells me he loves me in the dreams.
Then I started trying to build the self esteem. I had lost a considerable amount of weight simply because I couldn't eat, but I still felt like I was ugly and worthless. Why else would I be traded in for something that I considered less? I started buying things. Clothes, gadgets, trips, nights out, anything that would make me feel better for the moment. When you hear about addictions, you think of drugs or alcohol. The things that make you feel better physically so you forget about all the things that make you upset. I never thought shopping would be an addiction. I would spend money I didn't have on things I didn't need because I felt better when I did. Of course with any addiction, it's only temporary, so you have to get more. I've racked up a considerable amount of credit card debt to feed this addiction. But it didn't help either.
I realized the other day that I thought 10 years later I would be all fixed. I would be married again with some kids, a fantastic husband, a great job, and lots of friends surrounding me. I would have no thoughts of the past, no thinking about what could have been. All the things one dreams of when lying in bed with all the pain and other feelings that bombard you. I have some of those things. I have a wonderful man, though I'm working on the "husband" part still. And I have FANTASTIC friends surrounding me. Kids are not in the cards for me with all the physical things that have happened. I'm dealing with the fear of cancer returning. My job is not what I planned. And all the pain and other feelings still pop up every now and again.
I've tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have failed me. He's still been there telling me he loves me. Until now....I have attended his funeral. I still don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's gone. I can deal with the feelings, but seeing him in my dreams repeatedly has made getting over him difficult. There were a lot of unresolved feelings and things I wish we could talk about and I could get some answers. I know that will never happen. I hope from now on the man in my dreams is truly dead.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hi, I'm Lisa
I haven't written in a while. Life has been hectic and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it. I haven't felt much like participating in life these days. It would be much easier to sit on the couch and watch TV wishing that everything could be perfect like that or that it would all be wrapped up in an hours time. Unfortunately, that's not working.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm feeling so disconnected to the things around me. And I realized that I don't really know who I am anymore. I used to be outgoing, fun-loving, the life of the party. I was energetic, loved being around people, and experience everything. I had my hobbies, my habits, my favorite things. Now I don't know what that is. I've tried various things. Some of the hobbies and past times I used to do, but they just don't do it anymore. I've tried new things. Then I just get frustrated because I can't do them to the ability of those around me and it's disappointing.
I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do with my life. Now I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out. My job is not challenging. I have 2 masters degrees and 2 specialty certifications but I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential. I can't advance any farther and no way to improve what I'm doing. I'm neck deep in debt and can't get out because of said job not paying what I'm worth.
Then there's the weight. I've never been obsessed over my weight...I never had to be. I was always thin and fit. I was an athlete. Then there was the divorce and the resultant anorexia that totally messed up my body. Now I'm struggling to keep my weight under control and I'm failing miserably.
Add all of that to cancer and it's a lot for one person to carry. I've tried my hardest to put my faith in God but it seems I'm even failing at that. I just make it through each day and hope that the next one will be better. I have two bible versus that have become my mantra:
"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31
" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
I've seemed to have lost Lisa Marie. I'm hoping that one day I will be able to find her.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm feeling so disconnected to the things around me. And I realized that I don't really know who I am anymore. I used to be outgoing, fun-loving, the life of the party. I was energetic, loved being around people, and experience everything. I had my hobbies, my habits, my favorite things. Now I don't know what that is. I've tried various things. Some of the hobbies and past times I used to do, but they just don't do it anymore. I've tried new things. Then I just get frustrated because I can't do them to the ability of those around me and it's disappointing.
I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do with my life. Now I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out. My job is not challenging. I have 2 masters degrees and 2 specialty certifications but I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential. I can't advance any farther and no way to improve what I'm doing. I'm neck deep in debt and can't get out because of said job not paying what I'm worth.
Then there's the weight. I've never been obsessed over my weight...I never had to be. I was always thin and fit. I was an athlete. Then there was the divorce and the resultant anorexia that totally messed up my body. Now I'm struggling to keep my weight under control and I'm failing miserably.
Add all of that to cancer and it's a lot for one person to carry. I've tried my hardest to put my faith in God but it seems I'm even failing at that. I just make it through each day and hope that the next one will be better. I have two bible versus that have become my mantra:
"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31
" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
I've seemed to have lost Lisa Marie. I'm hoping that one day I will be able to find her.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Stigma
What do you picture when you hear that someone has "lung cancer"? I know I always pictured a wrinkly person who looked way beyond her years. Dirty looking with a chronic, nasty cough. Someone with the appearance of smoking for years. No one would think of a healthy young woman in her 30s. But today, that is an emerging face of lung cancer.
I was 35 when diagnosed with mucoepidermoid carcinoma of the lung. Never smoked a single cigarette. My parents never smoked, I never dated anyone who smoked, never had friends that would smoke around me. But I still had lung cancer. When people hear that, they automatically assume I did this to myself. That I contributed to my own illness. But not this time.
Most people hear about supporting women with breast cancer. Or you hear about getting regular colonoscopy for early detection of colon cancer. But is there ever any fundraising efforts to support lung cancer research? Here are a few statistics....
So next time someone says something about lung cancer, think twice about your opinion. It may be a young mother or wife who took great care of herself and still got a death sentence.
I was 35 when diagnosed with mucoepidermoid carcinoma of the lung. Never smoked a single cigarette. My parents never smoked, I never dated anyone who smoked, never had friends that would smoke around me. But I still had lung cancer. When people hear that, they automatically assume I did this to myself. That I contributed to my own illness. But not this time.
Most people hear about supporting women with breast cancer. Or you hear about getting regular colonoscopy for early detection of colon cancer. But is there ever any fundraising efforts to support lung cancer research? Here are a few statistics....
- 60% of new cases have never smoked; 1 in 5 women diagnosed have never smoked
- Lung cancer kills more people than breast, prostate, colon, liver, kidney, and melanoma cancers... combined
- Nearly twice as women with lung cancer die than women with breast cancer
- in 2009, the average amount of money funded for research PER DEATH is $27,480 for breast cancer and only $1,249 for lung cancer.
So next time someone says something about lung cancer, think twice about your opinion. It may be a young mother or wife who took great care of herself and still got a death sentence.
Monday, June 15, 2009
June mid-month update
I've kinda figured some things out over the last couple of weeks. I have been getting more and more active and into the training for this triathlon thing. I've discovered I have the propensity to become obsessed very easily. I guess if I have to obsess over something, this is a pretty good thing to get stuck on.
I've done really well with the nutrition. I've been taking my lunch to work everyday (except one) and we've made dinner most nights. I didn't even have to throw away any groceries this week!
The exercise has been hit and miss, though. It's hard to get out when it's hot and getting the the gym is even harder when you get home late and have to get ready for the next day. But I'm working on it!
Not much of an update, but there's not much going on right now. Once I start doing more, I will be adding them here.
I've done really well with the nutrition. I've been taking my lunch to work everyday (except one) and we've made dinner most nights. I didn't even have to throw away any groceries this week!
The exercise has been hit and miss, though. It's hard to get out when it's hot and getting the the gym is even harder when you get home late and have to get ready for the next day. But I'm working on it!
Not much of an update, but there's not much going on right now. Once I start doing more, I will be adding them here.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Gotta Eat
I met with the nutritionist this week. I have to say it was really worth my money. She was able to explain how my body uses energy is such a way that it all made sense. We came up with an eating plan for me to both lose weight and maintain the energy needed to training. She is also a specialist in sports nutrition and how to mix nutrition and exercise to maximize your body's abilities. We came up with an exercise plan to get me started on my training as well. Then in 6 months we are going to meet back up once my training is well under way and I'm ready to take things to the next level.
Starting tomorrow, I begin the formal training for the half-ironman. I will be eating and exercising in such a way that I will lose weight and build muscle and endurance. I am very excited. I haven't had an athletes body since college!!
I will be blogging here and in Dailymile. Dailymile will keep track of the actual exercise and is fed to my blog mainpage. You can click there to see the actual workouts. This blog will be for my progress and process. I will still have some emo posts on occasion, as well. But I'm hoping the emo moments will be fewer once I get started on making the best of myself.
Stay tuned for more updates!
Starting tomorrow, I begin the formal training for the half-ironman. I will be eating and exercising in such a way that I will lose weight and build muscle and endurance. I am very excited. I haven't had an athletes body since college!!
I will be blogging here and in Dailymile. Dailymile will keep track of the actual exercise and is fed to my blog mainpage. You can click there to see the actual workouts. This blog will be for my progress and process. I will still have some emo posts on occasion, as well. But I'm hoping the emo moments will be fewer once I get started on making the best of myself.
Stay tuned for more updates!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Accomplished and Excited!
I think that pretty much sums up today. I've really been impressed with myself over the last several days. I have gotten out of my pity party and I'm ready to get on with life. I think having the goal of this triathalon has really helped. The job has only been so-so and the pay cut has hit hard. That plus the whole cancer thing and feeling like the world is on my head just gets a person down. But now I am up and ready to go!!
Accomplished:
I just finished my C25K run/walk for the day. I have decided that easing into this even more is best. So I am doing every other run interval actually running and the others are a speed walk. Because of the training for the breast cancer walk, I think my walking muscles are in better shape than the running ones. And today I was able to do the entire thing that way. I actually feel like this will be possible after all!! I think the way I will handle this is to do the first week a total of 4 times. The first time will be every other one, the second week 2:1, third week 3:1 then the last week will be doing all of them. Then I think I will be able to do the rest of the program as it is written. But we will see when the time comes :)
Excited:
I met with some friends last night that gave me a lot of information about training and showed me some things that might be helpful in the race itself. To know that people actually think this will be possible for me is just so exciting! I'm really looking forward to getting in to this. I feel great today after my little run. Before I would just get bored when I ran. Now that I have a reason for running, it makes it a little better. Plus I have signed up for some groups that get together and run. I'm hoping to meet new people and have fun at the same time.
Things are really looking better. Doing all of this keeps my mind off the fact that the cancer could come back. My first follow up is at the end of this month. Keeping these distractions make it easier to get through.
Stay tuned for updates!!
Accomplished:
I just finished my C25K run/walk for the day. I have decided that easing into this even more is best. So I am doing every other run interval actually running and the others are a speed walk. Because of the training for the breast cancer walk, I think my walking muscles are in better shape than the running ones. And today I was able to do the entire thing that way. I actually feel like this will be possible after all!! I think the way I will handle this is to do the first week a total of 4 times. The first time will be every other one, the second week 2:1, third week 3:1 then the last week will be doing all of them. Then I think I will be able to do the rest of the program as it is written. But we will see when the time comes :)
Excited:
I met with some friends last night that gave me a lot of information about training and showed me some things that might be helpful in the race itself. To know that people actually think this will be possible for me is just so exciting! I'm really looking forward to getting in to this. I feel great today after my little run. Before I would just get bored when I ran. Now that I have a reason for running, it makes it a little better. Plus I have signed up for some groups that get together and run. I'm hoping to meet new people and have fun at the same time.
Things are really looking better. Doing all of this keeps my mind off the fact that the cancer could come back. My first follow up is at the end of this month. Keeping these distractions make it easier to get through.
Stay tuned for updates!!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
End of week 2
As I ended week 2, I realized something. It's not about doing everything at once. It's baby steps. I was trying to change all kinds of habits all at once and I was failing. Then I would start the cycle of anger and more frustration and more failure. This time, I will start small. One goal at a time. Everything can't be changed overnight but I can make the goal to change one thing at a time.
Weight is actually up. But I also had some REALLY salty/starchy food toward the end of the week. Going for the first bike ride this evening!!
Weight is actually up. But I also had some REALLY salty/starchy food toward the end of the week. Going for the first bike ride this evening!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I had cancer
As I approach 6 weeks, I am still a little shocked by all of this. It still doesn't seem like this all really happend. I see my scars when I get dressed in the morning and it hits me that I had cancer. When you hear the "c" word, it seems like a death sentence. Even though I know many that have survived, I know just as many that have died. I am faced with my own vulnerability.
When I first heard that I had a mass show up on my chest x-ray, I fell apart. I couldn't stop shaking. I knew something was wrong with me but I never thought about cancer. Cancer. I say the word and it makes me shiver. I had cancer. It just all seems so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up and it's just a nightmare. Or someone will say "we made a mistake". I know deep down that is not going to happen.
I've been cleared by the surgeon who says the surgery went well and I should be just fine. The oncologist says he's not worried about it coming back at all, but we will follow it just in case. But I don't feel fine. I have good days and bad days. Some days I wake up and it's the best day. I can breath, I can walk, I can work, and I get one more day with my friends and family. Other days I wake up and it's all I can do to get out of bed. I want to just crawl back in and stay there. I've been told that it's part of having major surgery like this. Something happens to the body and you can have depression. Today is one of those days. I'm very thankful to be alive and I thank God for healing me. But I just can't stand to be a part of the world sometimes. But I smile and face it anyway.
I met with my oncologist this morning to determine my follow-up routine. He did some research and it's a slow growing cancer. The surgeon was very confident that he got all of it out and the margins were clean. There were no lymphodes involved and nothing else showed up on the PET scan. So we are going with every 6 month CT scans for the first couple of years, then yearly until 5 years. At that point I will be considered "cured".
Even with all that in place and the scars that are a constant reminder, it still seems like it was someone else and not me.
I had cancer.
When I first heard that I had a mass show up on my chest x-ray, I fell apart. I couldn't stop shaking. I knew something was wrong with me but I never thought about cancer. Cancer. I say the word and it makes me shiver. I had cancer. It just all seems so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up and it's just a nightmare. Or someone will say "we made a mistake". I know deep down that is not going to happen.
I've been cleared by the surgeon who says the surgery went well and I should be just fine. The oncologist says he's not worried about it coming back at all, but we will follow it just in case. But I don't feel fine. I have good days and bad days. Some days I wake up and it's the best day. I can breath, I can walk, I can work, and I get one more day with my friends and family. Other days I wake up and it's all I can do to get out of bed. I want to just crawl back in and stay there. I've been told that it's part of having major surgery like this. Something happens to the body and you can have depression. Today is one of those days. I'm very thankful to be alive and I thank God for healing me. But I just can't stand to be a part of the world sometimes. But I smile and face it anyway.
I met with my oncologist this morning to determine my follow-up routine. He did some research and it's a slow growing cancer. The surgeon was very confident that he got all of it out and the margins were clean. There were no lymphodes involved and nothing else showed up on the PET scan. So we are going with every 6 month CT scans for the first couple of years, then yearly until 5 years. At that point I will be considered "cured".
Even with all that in place and the scars that are a constant reminder, it still seems like it was someone else and not me.
I had cancer.
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