How Great is Our God

I don't normally preach, it's just not me.  But I know I have some who will read this that don't believe in God, or if they do they don't subscribe to His way of life.  Last night I attended the Chris Tomlin Glory in the Highest Christmas tour.  I had an amazing experience and I just have to share it as my Christmas gift!

Lately I have been struggling.  Somehow my life got of course and I've been struggling to get it back.  Decisions that have been made and things that have happened.  I'm wondering how I will ever get out of this.  I grew up in church; was always taught about God and how he can help.  But lately that's just not seemed to work.  There was some part of me that just didn't believe that enough.  Until last night...and I want to share with you what was said.

Louie Giglio is touring with Chris Tomlin and speaks during "half-time".  Of course because it's a Christmas tour, he read the Christmas story.  I've heard a million times.  Luke chapter 2...a virgin was with child, they traveled to Bethlehem, born in a manger, shepherds, wisemen...blah, blah, blah.  I was actually thinking of stretching my legs until I heard the real message.

Everyone thinks that everything has to be perfect for God.  We have to dress a certain way, getting all dressed up for Christmas.  The perfect tree, the perfect meal, the perfect person.  But there was nothing about that night that was perfect.  They were involved in a scandal of not being married and pregnant.  She was 9 months pregnant and had to ride a donkey.  They slept in a cave and were all alone when Jesus was born.  And above all else, it was Tax Day!  It was the worst situation to have a baby. 

There were 400 years between the old testament and the new testament in the bible.  God didn't have anything to say for 400 years!  Then he chose to break the silence.  Not with a loud announcement or bright lights and fireworks.  But he simply chose a baby's cry.  In the midst of all the craziness of that trip, all the problems and mess, he chose a baby's cry to make his statement.

Louie shared with us the 12 words of Christmas.  "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you" (Luke 2:11).  Not just "Here is His", but BORN TO YOU!  Born in imperfection, born in all the mess, born to save ME.  With all my mess, with all my imperfections.  God chose a baby's cry to speak.  That is the meaning of Christmas.  "Merry Christmas" means wishing you peace with God through all your mess.  The ultimate gift that God gave us.

Chris sings a song that I simply love.  Every time I hear on the radio I'm belting it out.  I'm sure those in the cars around me can hear it.  It's his version of Amazing Grace.  Here are the lyrics:

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see 

 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed 

 

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine

 

But when he sung it last night, I was filled with peace.  I was overwhelmed by the thought that I didn't have to bear all of this.  My faith in people will let me down every time.  But I can stand tall because "My chains are gone, I've been set free".  God's got my back.  He also sings "How Great is Our God" and that's the truth.  He is amazing...I just have to keep him beside me and I can walk through anything.  I wish everyone a truly Merry Christmas.

Stop the ride...I want off

As I approach the 10 month mark, I feel blessed for the days that God has given me.  These last 10 months could have been scarred with chemo treatments and sickness.  Instead, I have been able to recover without incident.  Even participated in a triathlon!  But it seems like things keep getting thrown at me and my arms are getting tired of catching them.

I've realized that I still have some emotional healing to do with regards to the divorce.  You would think that 10 years would be long enough to heal the wounds.  Apparently they are too deep and pain decides to rear it's ugly head every now and again.  Going back to IN this past weekend was just another reminder.  I was paranoid that I would run into him OR her.  Driving by old hang outs or being reminded of the good times we had once shared.  I still carry that burden in my left arm because it's the strongest.

My right arm was made weak by the surgery so that is where I carry that fear.  I've had a clean CT scan post op and everyone has said all is well.  But that fear still remains.  What if....??  I've had a couple of test results over the last few weeks that have sent up some red flags.  Getting the abdominal ultrasound tomorrow for the liver and getting the other rechecked in a few months.

Both arms are full and were already getting tired.  Then today I get hit with Joe being sent to NY for 6 months.  Now my heart is catching it.  I have to go through the next 6 months with my best friend 1,236 mi away.  Just when we thought that things were settling down.

I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle.  Talking with my parents reminded me that we will weep for a time but joy will come in the morning.  But this night seems to be lasting extra long.

Dreaming and reality

I tend to have very vivid dreams and they are not always pleasant.  I have some that are recurring and others that are random and really make no sense.  But sometimes they give me insight to my subconscious about what's going on with me.

Last night I dreamt I was attending my ex-husbands funeral.  Of course in real life I don't know if I'll ever know when he dies.  We parted ways and don't keep in contact.  That's for the better.  But I was there and all the people in my former life were there as well.  It wasn't a joyous reunion.  I was shunned and disregarded.  Some chose to not even acknowledge my existence, others looked at me with scorn.  I spent the entire dream trying to convince those people that it was not my fault.  That HE left ME and made his own decisions to ruin his life.  I woke up with the same feelings I had back when everything transpired. 

I had the realization the other day that my 10 year divorce anniversary is coming up this January and a lot of things have been stirred up in the past couple of months that have brought about some thoughts and feelings that I had long since buried.  A lot of why I can't figure out who I am or where my life is going is because of what happened in October of 1999.  He stripped me of my self esteem.  He robbed me of my confidence and love for life.  I literally felt like I was going to die.  And I believe a little part of me did.

I have done everything I could subconsciously do over the past 10 years to try to bury those feelings and make up for what was lost.  At first I was concerned about what those people thought of me.  That I had to be such an awful wife that I was discarded and replaced.  But then I realized that the ones who were truly my friends would understand it was not me.  And those that weren't really didn't matter.  I tried to forget him.  Burning everything I had that reminded me of him.  I kept 2 pictures....Prom and a trip to Kings Island.  I decided that it was part of my past and I would never be completely rid of it.  But I soon realized that 9 years of my life was with him and the memories were still there.  I still saw his face and feel his touch when I closed my eyes.  Over time that has faded, but he still permeates my dreams.  He still tells me he loves me in the dreams. 

Then I started trying to build the self esteem.  I had lost a considerable amount of weight simply because I couldn't eat, but I still felt like I was ugly and worthless.  Why else would I be traded in for something that I considered less?  I started buying things.  Clothes, gadgets, trips, nights out, anything that would make me feel better for the moment.  When you hear about addictions, you think of drugs or alcohol.  The things that make you feel better physically so you forget about all the things that make you upset.  I never thought shopping would be an addiction.  I would spend money I didn't have on things I didn't need because I felt better when I did.  Of course with any addiction, it's only temporary, so you have to get more.  I've racked up a considerable amount of credit card debt to feed this addiction.  But it didn't help either.

I realized the other day that I thought 10 years later I would be all fixed.  I would be married again with some kids, a fantastic husband, a great job, and lots of friends surrounding me.  I would have no thoughts of the past, no thinking about what could have been.  All the things one dreams of when lying in bed with all the pain and other feelings that bombard you.  I have some of those things.  I have a wonderful man, though I'm working on the "husband" part still.  And I have FANTASTIC friends surrounding me.  Kids are not in the cards for me with all the physical things that have happened.  I'm dealing with the fear of cancer returning.  My job is not what I planned.  And all the pain and other feelings still pop up every now and again.

I've tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have failed me.  He's still been there telling me he loves me.  Until now....I have attended his funeral.  I still don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's gone.  I can deal with the feelings, but seeing him in my dreams repeatedly has made getting over him difficult.  There were a lot of unresolved feelings and things I wish we could talk about and I could get some answers.  I know that will never happen.  I hope from now on the man in my dreams is truly dead.

Hi, I'm Lisa

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been hectic and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it.  I haven't felt much like participating in life these days.  It would be much easier to sit on the couch and watch TV wishing that everything could be perfect like that or that it would all be wrapped up in an hours time.  Unfortunately, that's not working.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm feeling so disconnected to the things around me.  And I realized that I don't really know who I am anymore.  I used to be outgoing, fun-loving, the life of the party.  I was energetic, loved being around people, and experience everything.  I had my hobbies, my habits, my favorite things.  Now I don't know what that is.  I've tried various things.  Some of the hobbies and past times I used to do, but they just don't do it anymore.  I've tried new things.  Then I just get frustrated because I can't do them to the ability of those around me and it's disappointing.

I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do with my life.  Now I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out.  My job is not challenging.  I have 2 masters degrees and 2 specialty certifications but I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential.  I can't advance any farther and no way to improve what I'm doing.  I'm neck deep in debt and can't get out because of said job not paying what I'm worth.

Then there's the weight.  I've never been obsessed over my weight...I never had to be.  I was always thin and fit.  I was an athlete.  Then there was the divorce and the resultant anorexia that totally messed up my body.  Now I'm struggling to keep my weight under control and I'm failing miserably.

Add all of that to cancer and it's a lot for one person to carry.  I've tried my hardest to put my faith in God but it seems I'm even failing at that.  I just make it through each day and hope that the next one will be better.  I have two bible versus that have become my mantra:

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.  He never grows weak or weary.  No one can measure the depths of his understanding.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31


" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5


I've seemed to have lost Lisa Marie.  I'm hoping that one day I will be able to find her.

Where's the beef?

Well, not so much beef...maybe chicken.  I have had a problem with weight gain since my surgery despite exercising and going vegetarian.  It continues to increase and my clothes no longer fit.  And I REFUSE to get bigger clothes again.  My first thought was that the surgery messed with my thyroid and my medication needs to be adjusted.  That's easy to find out and fix.  But until then, I have to do something.  And I'm doing something NOW!

I have a nutritionist that I meet with and I have asked her advice.  We came up with a plan, but unfortunately, I need to eat meat again.  It's obvious that the vegetarian lifestyle was providing all it promised anyway, so I'm not too heart broken.  I have two medical conditions that affect my metabolism and how I handle carbohydrates (PCOS and hypothyroid).  My total protein levels were low and she feels I need more protein and less carbohydrates.  My main protein source has been legumes, which are unfortunately also high in carbohydrates.  I just can't get what I need from all plant sources.  I'm only adding chicken back in and alternating with fish and some high protein veggie dishes that I found using soy.  I want to keep the health benefits of a virtually no cholesterol diet if I can.

Then I was thinking....after my divorce almost 10 years ago, I became anorexic.  I couldn't eat and didn't eat hardly anything for 6 weeks.  Once I could eat, it wasn't very much.  I lost down to 92 pounds, but stayed just over 100lbs for several years.  I think that the severe weight loss and malnutrition totally screwed up my metabolism and I don't think it will ever be fixed.  All the hormones in my body are being regulated with pills and I gain weight very easily.  While I'm afraid obsessing over my food intake will send me back to those behaviors, I don't know what else to do.  I will follow the plan my nutritionist has laid out for me and see what happens.  Only God will be able to help me do what needs to be done without tipping over the edge.

Let's get physical

I've been trying to figure out a training/workout schedule that will work for me and it's been difficult since my work schedule is so crazy and I haven't really been aware of my weaknesses.  Working with the personal trainer, I'm finding out I have a lot of weak areas.

Now I have come up with something that I think will work.  It requires 2-a-days simply because of what I need to do.  I will give it a try for a couple of weeks and see if it works!

Monday:
     AM: run
     PM: weight training
Tuesday:
     AM: swim
     PM: pilates
Wednesday:
     AM: run
     PM: weight training
Thursday:
     AM: swim
     PM: pilates/yoga (depends on if I'm working)
Friday:
     AM: Meet Up strength training and drills
Saturday:
     long run/bike or rest
Sunday:
     long run/bike or rest

Now to just figure out the specific workouts for these days.  Of course things may get switched around for different meet ups so I can get ideas of training drills, etc.  But I plan to stick to this as much as possible.

Let's get started!!

pesco-ovo-lacto-vegetarianism

This completes my first week as a vegetarian.  It's actually not been as hard as I thought.  It's definitely been more time consuming as I have to plan out the menus, prepare the meals, etc.  Before I could throw a chicken on the grill and be done.  I know as time goes on I will become more proficient.

By the title, it's obvious that I'm not hard core.  I'm eating mostly veggies, but I'm not going overboard to try to avoid dairy and eggs.  I drink a glass of milk with my protein shake (which is whey protein) and I still eat things cooked with eggs.  I'm not overtly eating them as my cholesterol is one thing I'm trying to control.  But I'm not going crazy.  I'm also doing mostly natural and organic.  It's really hard to do everything that way these days, but I'm doing my best to avoid chemicals.  The "pesco" portion means I'm still eating fish as well.  Fish has so many health benefits as well as a good protein source.  I'm only eating it a couple times a week, though. 

I've been having fun coming up with new things to eat.  Most of the things I have cooked so far have turned out really well.  The tofu is a texture thing I'm not sure I can get used to.  It's mushy and flavorless.  I'm thinking it's not going to be a staple.  The "textured vegetable protein" is a soy product that resembles ground beef.  I'm sure it's not the greatest to make a "hamburger" with, but it works well as sloppy joes or "meat" for spaghetti sauce.  And the veggie sausage at work is yummy! 

My goal is to lose weight and improve my overall health status.  I'm giving it 6 weeks to see if I feel better and I lose the weight.  After that, I will re-evaluate my efforts.

Race Report: results, thoughts, and plans for the future

On Sept 6th, 2009 I completed my first triathlon!  6 months and 18 days after having part of my lung taken out, I completed the Trek Womens Triathlon and accomplished my goal.  My goal was to complete the course in 2hrs and 30min.  I exceded my expectations of myself!!

Official times:
      Swim 880 yds (1/2 mi) 32:38 placed 831/936
      Bike 20km (12 mi) 51:41 (13.9 mph avg) placed 732/936
      Run 5K (3.1 mi) 47:49 (15:25 min/mi avg) placed 862/936
Overall: 2:20:27 placed 141/188 in age group, 845/936 overall

Not competitive times by any means, but it was better than I had expected for myself.  It gave me the confidence I needed to get me excited about this.  I noticed after it was over how my competitive nature kicked in!  I was planning my next tri before I was even out of Disney property!  As I was going through it in my head, I was finding the things I can do differently or where I need to focus my training.  My training has been kind of haphazard over the last few months.  No real schedule just waking up and deciding what I wanted to do that day.  Next time I will be even better!

The other thing I realized as I was looking at the pictures was that the extra 10 pounds I've gained since surgery was very obvious!!!  One would think that all the exercise I've been doing it would have just fell off.  But I think my haphazard way of training not only affected my overall performance, but it has hindered my overall fitness.

As a result, my complete fitness change started today.  This was the boost I needed to get jump started into the world of fitness.  Started the vegetarian diet today.  I'm really excited about that one.  New recipes, weight loss (hopefully), and overall well being.  I'm taking a few days off from training as I work on a new training schedule.  Doing a little more research and hoping to rely a little more on my new Tri friends for training support.  But then right back into things.  I'm incorporating weight training as well because I think that will help A LOT! 

Future races??  Of course!!!  I already have a few on the list and it seems to be growing!

October 24th or 25th   Orlando Tri Festival (not sure if I'm doing olympic or sprint)
February 28th              Gasperilla Half Marathon
March 7th                    Disney Princess Half Marathon
May 16th                     Half-Ironman Competition

I want to add a couple more tri's in there but haven't decided what yet.  Any suggestions are welcome!!

1 day left

In 41.5 hours I will be participating in my first triathlon.  I decided to do this on a whim and now I'm really looking forward to competing.  Not that I will even be competative!  I know I can finish, it will just be a matter of how long it will take. 

The swimming has me the most worried.  I'm not a strong swimmer and I've only done the whole race distance once in a lake successfully.  The good part about it is there are LOTS of life guards and floaty things I can grab onto if I get too tired.  I have no fear of drowning!  Just being able to complete the swim. 

A full race report will be posted once I've completed.  If you are interested in coming to watch, here are the specator details!

Race Day Athlete and Spectator Parking

                    Sunday, September 6th 

               Transition Area Opens 5:00am
  
All Athletes/Spectators not staying at above Resort: Park in the designated parking lot at the Magic Kingdom (Grumpy & Dopey).  
There will be NO RACE DAY PARKING available at the Fort Wilderness Campgrounds and no early WDW Transportation services available to the guests (including Monorail, Buses and/or Ferries), ONLY the Event Shuttles/Buses.   If you try to park at the Campgrounds, you will be redirected to park at the Magic Kingdom.
Once parked at the Magic Kingdom Parking lot , you will catch a shuttle that will transport you to the Transition Area located inside the Fort Wilderness Campgrounds.  
PARKING: Athletes/spectators parking at Magic Kingdom Dopey and Grumpy Parking lot will NOT be charged a parking fee.   Inform the Cast Member at the Auto Plaza that you are attending the Trek Women Triathlon Series. Spectators arriving after 7:00am will be charge the $12 parking fee.
 *****************************************************************************************************************
               Race Day Shuttle/Bus Service
                    Sunday, September 6th
             Shuttles Run: 3:30am - 12:00pm
                                     

Stigma

What do you picture when you hear that someone has "lung cancer"? I know I always pictured a wrinkly person who looked way beyond her years. Dirty looking with a chronic, nasty cough. Someone with the appearance of smoking for years. No one would think of a healthy young woman in her 30s. But today, that is an emerging face of lung cancer.

I was 35 when diagnosed with mucoepidermoid carcinoma of the lung. Never smoked a single cigarette. My parents never smoked, I never dated anyone who smoked, never had friends that would smoke around me. But I still had lung cancer.  When people hear that, they automatically assume I did this to myself. That I contributed to my own illness. But not this time.

Most people hear about supporting women with breast cancer. Or you hear about getting regular colonoscopy for early detection of colon cancer. But is there ever any fundraising efforts to support lung cancer research? Here are a few statistics....

• 60% of new cases have never smoked; 1 in 5 women diagnosed have never smoked
• Lung cancer kills more people than breast, prostate, colon, liver, kidney, and melanoma cancers... combined 
• Nearly twice as women with lung cancer die than women with breast cancer
• in 2009, the average amount of money funded for research PER DEATH is $27,480 for breast cancer and only $1,249 for lung cancer.

It's not that I think breast cancer doesn't deserve the research.  But so do those of us that are getting lung cancer without ever smoking.  Because it has always been considered a preventable cancer, no one ever bothered.  Now I think we need to bother.  I was lucky in that I had a diagnosis that, although very rare, is 99% cured with surgery.  Others are not so lucky.  The survival rate for a young women with adenocarcinoma (the most common type) is only 60%.  That's not super odds.

So next time someone says something about lung cancer, think twice about your opinion.  It may be a young mother or wife who took great care of herself and still got a death sentence.

7 days and counting

On August 19th, I celebrated 6 months of being cancer free. The interesting thing is the day pretty much came and went without much of a thought about it. I was at work and realized the date, posted something to facebook, then didn't really think about it again. Even after 6 months, it still seems like it didn't happen. It's hard for me to think of myself as a cancer survivor. The scars are fading, the side effects from surgery are getting better, and I'm almost back to 100%. Will it ever really sink in?

Seven days from today I will be participating in my first Triathlon. I will be racing with other women. My particular wave will be with other cancer survivors. My goal is to simply finish. I was mostly worried about the swimming as I still get pretty out of breath. But this week I proved to myself that I can swim 1000yds in a lake and not drown! Now to just follow that with 12mi of biking and 3 mi of running and I will be set!

Following the race, I will take the rest of the week off from heavy training, then I will begin my all out training for the half-ironman. 190 days until the half-marathon, 260 days until the half-ironman. I have decided that in order to accomplish this goal, I will have to be uber-diligent in my diet, exercise, sleep, etc. Documenting this journey will be the best way to keep track of my accomplishments and goals.

7 days and counting.....

First documented run

I now have my Garmin training watch all set up and used it for my first official training run this morning. And it was pathetic. My heart rate was through the roof and I was going REALLY slow. It gave me a good place to start, though. It helped me to see that I need to work on my cardiovascular shape and my leg muscles. If I can get those in place, it should all fall into place.

1/2 mile STATS:

17:52
16:18
16:18
16:58

Now I'm ready

I think I have everything I need to train properly. I've gathered all the necessary accessories, all the clothing, and all the research. Today I'm writing my training plan with all my goals and getting started. So I'm tagging this post as my official starting point.

Goals for training:
- Long Term:
1. First tri in Sept 2009
2. Half marathon in March 2010
3. Half-ironman in May 2011
4. Sprinkle a few other tri's in there

- Short Term:
1. improve my running pace to a 15min mile
2. Be able to swim with my face in the water and swim across Lucky's Lake (open water 1000 yds)
3. sustain a 14 mph pace on my bike for 10 miles

Goals for nutrition:
1. Lose the last 10 pounds
2. make at least 3 days a week vegetarian or fish only
3. keep my blood sugar below 100
4. get my cholesterol below 150

Here are my starting stats:
Wt: 132lbs
avg running pace: 16-17 min mile
avg riding pace: 10 mph
swimming: 25 yards without stopping

June mid-month update

I've kinda figured some things out over the last couple of weeks. I have been getting more and more active and into the training for this triathlon thing. I've discovered I have the propensity to become obsessed very easily. I guess if I have to obsess over something, this is a pretty good thing to get stuck on.

I've done really well with the nutrition. I've been taking my lunch to work everyday (except one) and we've made dinner most nights. I didn't even have to throw away any groceries this week!

The exercise has been hit and miss, though. It's hard to get out when it's hot and getting the the gym is even harder when you get home late and have to get ready for the next day. But I'm working on it!

Not much of an update, but there's not much going on right now. Once I start doing more, I will be adding them here.

Gotta Eat

I met with the nutritionist this week. I have to say it was really worth my money. She was able to explain how my body uses energy is such a way that it all made sense. We came up with an eating plan for me to both lose weight and maintain the energy needed to training. She is also a specialist in sports nutrition and how to mix nutrition and exercise to maximize your body's abilities. We came up with an exercise plan to get me started on my training as well. Then in 6 months we are going to meet back up once my training is well under way and I'm ready to take things to the next level.

Starting tomorrow, I begin the formal training for the half-ironman. I will be eating and exercising in such a way that I will lose weight and build muscle and endurance. I am very excited. I haven't had an athletes body since college!!

I will be blogging here and in Dailymile. Dailymile will keep track of the actual exercise and is fed to my blog mainpage. You can click there to see the actual workouts. This blog will be for my progress and process. I will still have some emo posts on occasion, as well. But I'm hoping the emo moments will be fewer once I get started on making the best of myself.

Stay tuned for more updates!

George is still gone!!!

Met with my oncologist on Tuesday and received the results of the first CT. And the title explains it all...GEORGE IS STILL GONE!!! No lymph nodes, no fluid, nothing. There is apparently a tiny bit of scarring and of course lung volume loss but those are to be expected.

My oncologist is convinced that this will not return. And he was very impressed by the fact that I'm training for a triathlon. He actually said he wanted to do another procedure just because I'm doing too well! My next appointment with him is after my first sprint triathlon. It'll be fantastic for me to be able to go to him and tell him how well I did!!

Been awhile

I just realized it's been a month since I posted last. It's been a rough month. I still seem to be having difficulty making time for everything. Then by the end of the evening I'm so tired I don't feel like making lunch for the next day. I keep trying different schedules, but they all seem to fall apart about mid way through the week.

I meet with a dietician tomorrow who specializes in women athletes. She herself is a triathlete and is the dietician to the Orlando Magic. Her name is Tara Gidus and she's the Diet Diva. I'm very excited. I'm hoping she will be able to help me come up with a manageable meal plan that will help me to lose the last 10 pounds (well, 14 pounds since I've gained 4 since the surgery) and optimize my nutrition for training.

Also, we had our first team meeting for our triathlon team. Not too sure we will all end up participating in the half-ironman, but at least we can all train together. And we might have a corporate sponsor. That way a lot of our expenses will be paid for.

As for exercise, I'm up to week 2 day 2 of the couch to 5K. I'm really excited that I've gone this far. And I feel great!!

More after I meet with the dietician!!

Accomplished and Excited!

I think that pretty much sums up today. I've really been impressed with myself over the last several days. I have gotten out of my pity party and I'm ready to get on with life. I think having the goal of this triathalon has really helped. The job has only been so-so and the pay cut has hit hard. That plus the whole cancer thing and feeling like the world is on my head just gets a person down. But now I am up and ready to go!!

Accomplished:
I just finished my C25K run/walk for the day. I have decided that easing into this even more is best. So I am doing every other run interval actually running and the others are a speed walk. Because of the training for the breast cancer walk, I think my walking muscles are in better shape than the running ones. And today I was able to do the entire thing that way. I actually feel like this will be possible after all!! I think the way I will handle this is to do the first week a total of 4 times. The first time will be every other one, the second week 2:1, third week 3:1 then the last week will be doing all of them. Then I think I will be able to do the rest of the program as it is written. But we will see when the time comes :)

Excited:
I met with some friends last night that gave me a lot of information about training and showed me some things that might be helpful in the race itself. To know that people actually think this will be possible for me is just so exciting! I'm really looking forward to getting in to this. I feel great today after my little run. Before I would just get bored when I ran. Now that I have a reason for running, it makes it a little better. Plus I have signed up for some groups that get together and run. I'm hoping to meet new people and have fun at the same time.

Things are really looking better. Doing all of this keeps my mind off the fact that the cancer could come back. My first follow up is at the end of this month. Keeping these distractions make it easier to get through.

Stay tuned for updates!!

I must be crazy!

I decided the other day to participate in a triathalon. Not just any triathalon, but the Disney Half Ironman competition. We are actually participating in the 2010 games. So that gives me a year to prepare. At this point, I'm not sure that will even be long enough! But I am determined. It will give me a goal. Of course, after that, I'm not sure what I will have to accomplish!!

I started training this week. No time like the present to get started! I am starting with the couch to 5K running plan. The swimming and the running will be the most difficult for me. The biking will be fine, as long as I get a new seat! I realized in my first day that losing 1/5 of my lung capacity will be a bit of a challenge at first. My doctor seems to think it will not be an issue in the end.

I know I will never win one of these things, or even really place anywhere near the top. But for me, it is thumbing my nose in the face of cancer. Things could have been a lot worse for me and I was lucky. God has a plan for me and I have to stay healthy enough to see it through. What better way to get fit than this!!

Exercise kick-start

I got an excellent start to my exercise revolution this weekend. We were finally able to take the bikes for their inaugural ride. We went 12 miles. I think it was pretty good for the first time riding a bike in over 10 years!!! I did well, except for the sore bottom from a not very comfortable seat.

The following day, I participated in a fundraising walk for March of Dimes. I walked 6 miles :) Then on Sunday I worked outside in the yard for about 4 hours planting and weeding and spreading mulch. Today I continued the yard work for about 2 hours. But of course I've eaten like a pig today. Well, not all day. Just for dinner :)

I have a good start! Now just to keep it up...

Starting over - again

I decided that the only way I can get back is to just start rather than wallowing in self-pity. I need to get back to myself. As I have said over and over, I have to just start at the beginning. It's all in the mindset...I just have to put myself there.

Now that I have a routine set and I won't be working 5 days in a row, I can finally actually set goals and get them accomplished.

I'm starting with the exercise. We are taking the first bike ride this weekend. I got some info on trails etc. Once I get used to riding again, we will be hitting the trails and doing some camping! Can't wait!

Goal for new week 1:
*cooking all week :)

(starting small - easily attainable)

What was taken from me

He stole my self esteem....

I realized that even after 9 years, I still sometimes think about the ex and what happened. I have been struggling the last couple of years with the weight and my appearance. I look at pictures and it just doesn't seem like me. I don't know if it's the changes over time or what it is, but they just don't look like me. I see someone who's fat and out of shape with hair that just doesn't work. I was looking through some photos that were pre-ex and some that were early on and those are what I remember looking like. I was smiling and healthy and happy. Lately, I don't feel like any of that. I realized it's because he took something from me that I can't get back. No matter how much I try, how much money I spend on myself, or the toys I buy to make me feel better. I can't get back my self-esteem. I keep going to school to learn more. I buy expensive cars to look the part. I have nice clothes in hopes that I will feel good wearing them. I take trips and vacations hoping to find the fun loving person I used to be. All it's gotten me is a HUGE credit card debt. But I can't get back what he stole from me.

I just don't think that part of me will ever come back. And that makes me very sad. I used to be the one that everyone liked. The one that was the life of the party and always had a good time no matter what. Now I feel like I'm just here sometimes. Then I get people who say things about me and to me that are just plain mean. It all adds up and piles on to the point where sometimes I just want to lay there and not live in reality anymore. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as much. I don't enjoy things like I used to. And I know that affects those around me. No one wants to be around someone who's broken. So I try to put on the smile and the charm. Just like I was taught when I was younger. You have to look good on the outside no matter what. But I still feel empty. Like there's a hole where my self esteem is supposed to be.

Goals for Week 3

Like I said, one goal at a time. This week I will be focusing on the eating out portion. I buy WAY too much food in the cafeteria at work and eat out too many times for dinner. So this week, I just have one goal (well, I guess it's 2 goals with 1 focus):

1. Take my lunch and snacks every day to work
2. The only eating out day will be Saturday as we have a wedding celebration to attend

I meet with my personal trainer for the first time since surgery this week. I'm a little nervous about that one! I'm still not 100% but I'll never get there if I don't start somewhere!!

End of week 2

As I ended week 2, I realized something. It's not about doing everything at once. It's baby steps. I was trying to change all kinds of habits all at once and I was failing. Then I would start the cycle of anger and more frustration and more failure. This time, I will start small. One goal at a time. Everything can't be changed overnight but I can make the goal to change one thing at a time.

Weight is actually up. But I also had some REALLY salty/starchy food toward the end of the week. Going for the first bike ride this evening!!

Stupid Cough

Met with the pulmonologist today who said the cough is a reaction to the surgery and allergies. So I have some antiallergy stuff and an inhaler to use for the next month. He also things I have a little reflux. So he gave the little purple pill to take.

Why is it that the body chooses it's 30's to fall apart?

I had cancer

As I approach 6 weeks, I am still a little shocked by all of this. It still doesn't seem like this all really happend. I see my scars when I get dressed in the morning and it hits me that I had cancer. When you hear the "c" word, it seems like a death sentence. Even though I know many that have survived, I know just as many that have died. I am faced with my own vulnerability.

When I first heard that I had a mass show up on my chest x-ray, I fell apart. I couldn't stop shaking. I knew something was wrong with me but I never thought about cancer. Cancer. I say the word and it makes me shiver. I had cancer. It just all seems so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up and it's just a nightmare. Or someone will say "we made a mistake". I know deep down that is not going to happen.

I've been cleared by the surgeon who says the surgery went well and I should be just fine. The oncologist says he's not worried about it coming back at all, but we will follow it just in case. But I don't feel fine. I have good days and bad days. Some days I wake up and it's the best day. I can breath, I can walk, I can work, and I get one more day with my friends and family. Other days I wake up and it's all I can do to get out of bed. I want to just crawl back in and stay there. I've been told that it's part of having major surgery like this. Something happens to the body and you can have depression. Today is one of those days. I'm very thankful to be alive and I thank God for healing me. But I just can't stand to be a part of the world sometimes. But I smile and face it anyway.

I met with my oncologist this morning to determine my follow-up routine. He did some research and it's a slow growing cancer. The surgeon was very confident that he got all of it out and the margins were clean. There were no lymphodes involved and nothing else showed up on the PET scan. So we are going with every 6 month CT scans for the first couple of years, then yearly until 5 years. At that point I will be considered "cured".

Even with all that in place and the scars that are a constant reminder, it still seems like it was someone else and not me.

I had cancer.

Finally...1 goal accomplised!

Yesterday was my vegetarian day and I made it through with no meat! Now if I could just find time to get to the grocery store, I might be able to accomplish some others :) Working 5 days a week is a pain......

Goals for week 2

It's already Monday evening, but I need to make these for this week. Two days have passed so I have some making up to do. Today has been a vegetarian day so I have that one out of the way :). Possibly visiting the gym this evening as well. Here's to starting the week out the right way!!

Diet
1. Take my lunch to work everyday (save Monday since it's already passed)
2. Make 1 day vegetarian and 1 day with fish only
3. Limit eating out to 1 day this week
4. Get my 3 glasses of milk and at least 4 glasses of water each day

Excerise
1. Walk 2 mi 3 days this week
2. Visit the gym at least 3 days this week

Week 2 Day 2

It's been a week since I posted last. I guess I have to get used to this blogging thing. I used to keep a journal when I was a kid, but it's been awhile. And this has been a CRAZY week!

As a result, some of my goal were not met. Actually, I don't believe I achieved any of them. But this is where I get into trouble. I set the goals then get frustrated because I don't follow them. Then I just give up. Granted, it's only been a week, but I want to break that cycle. Apparently there were too many of them for the beginning :)

I started out well. But I never came up with a menu for the week and never made it to the grocery. I was okay until Wednesday, but then the craziness began and I just said "forget it". I was lax on both diet and exercise. But I did go to the church I have been interested in. It was a good experience and I will be going back next week and attending the Newcomers class to get some information on the church itself.

Alright...new Goals for this week...

Week 1 Day 2

This week started off great. We were able to get out in the yard on Sunday, so I was able to get in a little physical activity. We went grocery shopping and I got all the fresh ingredients for the week!

So far so good. I did forget my lunch box this morning, so the nice lunch and snacks I had packed were enjoying the afternoon on the floor by the desk at the house. But I was able to get a grilled chicken breast with rice and a big salad for lunch. I happen to have a Kashi TLC bar in my bag for just such an occasion! The only thing missing was fruit. I was able to salvage the day, but it wasn't optimal.

As for activity today, I was able to walk the dog briskly for 2 miles! I was so impressed with myself. I was just reminded by a friends that I have a 10K walk coming up for March of Dimes. I still have a whole month before, but I'm still a little nervous. It's my first exercise goal :)

And for spiritual, I found a church that I'm going to try out. It's a young, contemporary church. I'm hoping I can find a place there. I really miss being a part of a church.

That's it for today...

Goals for week 1

For the purposes of this lifestyle change, I will follow a Sunday through Saturday week. I can take the time on Saturday to make out the menus and go to the market. So my first day will be Sunday March 22nd :)

I decided to not focus on actual weight. If you look at the numbers I look like I'm healthy. But I have the little belly pooch and I REALLY need to tone up the muscles. Since my surgery, I have actually lost some muscle tone and strength. It feels like I'm actually starting all over from a year ago. Unfortunately, the workouts will be slow going at first since I'm still recovering, but I can definitely do the diet thing!!! I guess I should get started!!

Goals for week 1
1. limit eating out to 3 meals (only because I have friends coming in from out of town and I know I will be eating out)

2. taking my lunch to work every day

3. eating at least one day vegetarian and one day of fish

4. walk 2 mi at least 3 days and 1 mi the other 4

starting weight: 128.4 (just because)

Hi! I'm new to this, but I've recently had some life changing events and thought I could benefit from this. So here I am...thoughts and all. We'll see how this goes!!