100 things

I made comments about this before, but I'm really interested in downsizing (see previous post).  I came across an article about consumerism and it really made sense to me.  We as a society have created this artificial need for "stuff".  Big houses, expensive cars, closets full of clothes and shoes, the list goes on.  I've been thinking about my impact in this world and my legacy.  I don't want to be all about the stuff.  I want to have memories of fun vacations and time with my family.  I want to be able to look back on my life as I sit in the rocking chair and think about how much fun it all was.  Sitting with my large credit card bills, the 5,000 sq ft house, and the nice car no longer appeals to me.  I want to enjoy traveling and having many adventures.

There's a guy named Dave who made the challenge to dwindle everything down to 100 personal items and he challenges others to do the same.  The rules are individualized and are set to what you can live with.  I have a plan to completely reorganize my priorities and everything in my life and this will be included.

Starting Sept 1st,  2010 I will begin my 100 things journey.  My goal is to be completed within 1 year.  Because I share my life with another person, my list of things will vary slightly from those that Dave set.  But this will force me to finish my projects so that I can get rid of the last of my craft supplies.  Here are my rules:

1. "Personal items" will refer to items that are strictly mine.  Obviously I can't get rid of the dining room table or the couch.  However, I do have a room that is designated as mine.  Therefore, all of the items located in said room are considered "personal" and must be included on the list

2.  I will allow myself my cedar chest for memorabilia.  If it cannot fit in there, it cannot be kept.  The only exception are my handmade quilts passed down from my Great Grandmother.

3.  Items counted in groups:  Clothing: each separate group will be counted, such as underwear will be counted as 1 item, but I will have a limited number within the group; books: only keeping cookbooks I use on a regular basis and books related to work that I have used for reference; work related items: stethoscope, etc; Jewelry: same as with clothing.

4.  Following in Dave's footsteps, I will only purchase things that will replace something else on the list.  As for gifts, I will allow myself 7 days to determine what to do with it.  Though I would hope that my friends will also see the value in what I'm trying to accomplish and will not purchase me gifts unless they know it is something I can use.

I think that about covers the rules.  Sept 1st, 2011 I will examine my progress and post what I dwindled down to!!  Over the next year I will post about my progress as well as the reorganization of the rest of my surroundings.  Feel free to follow!! 

I have a "thing"...

WARNING: this post is totally me vomiting words on the screen.  Feel free to skip over this post as there really isn't much that will be meaningful or profound.

I looked up the word "obsession" in the thesaurus.  It was actually very enlightening!  Phrases such as "fixation", "consuming passion", and "thing" were among the list.  I never thought of having a "thing" as being a problem.  Though I'm coming to realize that is the case.  My "thing" is a problem for me.

Over the last few years, well 10yrs actually, I've had a few losses.  First I lost my home.  My ex made a choice and we were stuck without a place to live.  We picked up and moved 300 mi away to live with my parents and I had to start a whole new life.  That started the spiraling that has led me to the chaos I now endure.  He then made another choice that cost me my sanity.  He chose another woman.  I then moved 1,000mi away with nothing but a 5x8 trailer.  My life as I knew it was over.  I would have to start over with a new job, new friends, a new place to live.  I felt like everything was in chaos.  I had nothing to call my own.  I lived with my best friend and endured her crazy life with three little ones.  Surviving each day was all I could do.

Slowly things got back to normal, or at least the new normal I had created.  Dating my Man, buying a house, loving my job and doing really well there with lots of new friends.  But my finances never recovered from the divorce.  I was left with a large credit card debt, no self esteem, and the need to buy all new things to start my life over.  I started my Masters program just adding to the already hectic life I was leading.  In order to keep my head above water, I was working overtime plus school plus trying to live my life.  More and more chaos, more and more spending to deal with the anxiety.  I lost my financial freedom.

Once I graduated, I began working for the worst organization in the world.  I cannot mention it as I don't want them to sue me for anything.  Let's just say they are known for their "completely dedicated pediatric approach".  I spent 10 months trying to make a job for me.  I was new and inexperienced, yet the organization did nothing to support me.  I was a pediatric nurse practitioner stuck in an office with nothing to do.  I endured it as long as I could and began to doubt my career choice.  I went back to the NICU and back to school.  Losing my personal time and my self-esteem as an advanced practice nurse.

Then went to work for the second worst organization in the world.  Again for fear of some form of retaliation, I won't say their name either.  And I can't say the organization was horrible, just 2 people to be exact that made my life miserable for another year.  Again making me doubt my future as an NNP and working for them forever.  I chose to leave.  Losing the "family" I had worked with for the past 10years.  I was again, starting over.

During all of this I was diagnosed with hypothyroid causing me to lose my figure (gained large amount of weight) and I can't seem to find it again.  I was diagnosed with lung cancer causing me to lose my relative assurance that I would live a long life.

Now I'm in a great job with terrific people.  I have a roof over my head and food on my table.  I have a husband-to-be who loves me.  But I still feel like my life is in total chaos.  Like I'm hanging on by a thread that some one is stepping in.  If I move, it will all unravel and be a heap around my ankles.  I honestly believe all of these losses has caused my anxiety to rear it's ugly head.  I've always been an anxious person and stress always took it's toll on me.  However now I seemed to have developed a little bit of OCD in order to cope.

I've started feeling even more anxious that my desk is a mess and it only gets better when it's clean.  The house is always messy to me, even when everything is in it's place.  There is so much extra stuff that is not needed just laying around that is driving me insane.  My work schedule has been a little crazy lately with people being out so I've not really been able to plan anything as it just has to be rescheduled.  I constantly feel like there is something I have to do and just sitting on the couch is no longer relaxing.  Even seeing other people disorganized causes me stress.  I've realized my "thing" is an obsession with order.

I've started cleaning things out and getting rid of extra stuff.  I will probably regret it at some point but I just can't have it in the house any more.  I've organized my time to the best of my ability.  Our self scheduling was taken away at work so I only know my schedule for the next month.  I've organized my diet and exercise plan to hopefully lead to the weight loss I've been trying to achieve.  I think as long as I keep to myself and don't get ugly about it with other people, it will be ok.  I just know that if I don't give in to my "thing" it will only get worse.

Behind in life

I was smacked in the face with the realization that I'm really behind in my life and all out of sorts this past week.  I'm usually Miss organization and I know where everything is, when everything is due, and have my life planned for the next 6 months (knowing that I can get a kink in it, but planned none the less)!  In May I received a speeding ticket and I agreed to go to the driving school.  Three months passed to quickly and I didn't go, resulting in my drivers licenses being suspended.  I have never done anything illegal (besides speeding) and I was a little freaked out.  But it made me realize just how out of control I had let my life become!

I was living day to day, not really knowing what was supposed to be done.  The only thing I was planning in advance was setting up the kennel times for Shadow when I was working 24hr shifts.  My OCD tendencies were being ignored and the anxiety was very real.  The whole suspended license thing scared me enough to get my life back in order!!

It's not there by any means, but it's getting better.  I spent 3 days reorganizing and purging stuff that I no longer needed.  I still have things that need to go, but it's a gradual thing.  I read two articles online about
downsizing making you happier and living with 100 personal items.  Eventually I would like to get to that point.  However, getting my other half to join me will be the REAL challenge.  But now I at least know where all the important papers are (not organized but at least in one place), what projects lay ahead of me and how I can complete them, along with a diet and exercise schedule. 

I have 4 days off next week to get the rest of it together.  Maybe I can take a few more things to Goodwill then too!  Once I'm done, I will update my blog and get my wedding blog out there too!!

Anyone Can Get Lung Cancer

On February 19, 2009 I was diagnosed with Stage 1B Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma in my right lung.  I was 35 years old and had never smoked.

I had the right lower lobe of my lung removed and spent 5 days in the ICU recovering.  The problem that I had was that lung cancer research is severely lacking and no one really knew how I should be treated.  It has always been thought that lung cancer was preventable.  That as long as you don't smoke, you won't get it.  Therefore, treatment research has been focused on other types of cancers.  Well, THEY WERE ALL WRONG!!

Now 60% of newly diagnosed cases are either non-smokers or those that quit many years ago.  It is the NUMBER ONE cancer killer, more than breast, colon, prostate, melanoma, and kidney COMBINED!  And even though lung cancer causes 1 in 3 cancer deaths, it received less than 5% of the funding.  Survival rates today are the same as they were in the 1970s, even with all the medical advances. (Bonnie J. Addario lung cancer foundation)

Because of this lack of research, my oncologist and I were at a loss about what to do.  Being a medical professional, I have access to all kinds of medical journals and research reports.  Both of us did our own literature review and found that there was virtually no research on my particular type of cancer.  It is a rare form, but there are others out there like me.  We found case reports and anecdotes of survival rates but NOTHING on actual treatment.  Because I was stage 1B and treatment for stage 1 is "controversial", along with most case reports suggesting that surgical intervention would be enough and that chemotherapy was ineffective on those who had received it, we decided to simply do surveillance.  For the last year and 4 months I've been seeing him regularly and getting serial CT scans.  So far, I have had NED (no evidence of disease).  But there are others that have not been so lucky.

Jillian was a 22yr old who was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer around the same time I was.  She was an athletic young woman who helped her rowing team accomplish great things.  She also never smoked.  She went to see her doctor because of a simple stomach ache and it was found to have spread to her liver, breasts, and bone.  All without any symptoms.  She went through MULTIPLE rounds of chemotherapy.  On June 24th, 2010 she lost her battle.  While I did not personally know Jill, this could have easily been me. Or you.  Or your best friend.

I have been very interested in joining the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation and WTF? (Where's The Funding) in fighting this disease.  I feel very blessed that my cancer treatment ended after the 5 days in the ICU.  I want others to have a way to fight this disease and win.  Please take a few minutes and watch this video on Jill's life.  You will see why this is such a devastating illness and why we need to fight for more research.

"Just Like Jill" Lung Cancer Research Campaign

Feel free to leave a comment if you would like more information or if you are interested in helping me fight.

I now have a new favorite song.  It is the song playing in the video and has become the theme song for this campaign.  Thanks to Matisyahu for allowing the use of this song.

One Day
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I’m breathing
then I pray
don’t take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
it’s not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we’ll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  

Six Months

Six months seems to be the theme of my life these days.  Everything is based on six months.

It all started when Joe was sent to NY.  He was originally supposed to only be 6 months (Dec-May).  I thought to myself that it's not that long in the grand scheme of life.  It'll be okay.  Little did I know that I would continue to hear "six months".  Some good, some bad.  Here it is more than 6 months later and he's still not home.  But the theme continues.

I have 6 months until the wedding.  When I think about it sometimes it seems like forever.  But then other times I panic because Joe is not here and there are still lots of loose ends that need to be tied up.

Because I have 6 months until the wedding, I have 6 months to get myself back into shape.  I've been exercising but not consistently and not aggressively.  I'm ready to take this thing to the next level and get rid of all the excess.  Excess of fat, excess foods, and excess negative feelings.  I have 6 months to lose weight, gain muscle, and look FANTASTIC in my dress.

Along that same path, my cardiologist told me I could come off my cholesterol medication and see how it goes.  The first check with just kinda watching my diet and inconsistent exercise was only 20 points too high.  He has now given me 6 months to lose weight and lose those 20 points.  If I can't, I will have to go back on the medicine.  I'm 37 and I've already been on them for 8 years.  I don't want to continue for the rest of my life.

I have now been on my job for 6 months.  They keep telling me the honeymoon will end soon but it just doesn't seem that way.  While I wish I could be paid a little better and more in line with what other PNPs in my position around the country, I can't complain too much.  It got a little crazy these last few weeks with various co-workers being out and having to rearrange the schedule.  But overall, the job is good and I'm comfortable there.  I have a lot of great people I work with.  I still miss my FH peeps, but even if I were to go back it will never be the same.  They say you can't ever really go back home and that's what I feel like.  Some of the people that made it a good place have left to pursue other avenues.  Those that are left I still get to see, though not as often as I would like.

I'm hoping that the next 6 months will go by as quickly as the last 6 months.  I was very much dreading Joe being gone for that long and now we are on the downhill portion.  He now has 6 WEEKS until he gets to come home for good!!