Dreaming and reality

I tend to have very vivid dreams and they are not always pleasant.  I have some that are recurring and others that are random and really make no sense.  But sometimes they give me insight to my subconscious about what's going on with me.

Last night I dreamt I was attending my ex-husbands funeral.  Of course in real life I don't know if I'll ever know when he dies.  We parted ways and don't keep in contact.  That's for the better.  But I was there and all the people in my former life were there as well.  It wasn't a joyous reunion.  I was shunned and disregarded.  Some chose to not even acknowledge my existence, others looked at me with scorn.  I spent the entire dream trying to convince those people that it was not my fault.  That HE left ME and made his own decisions to ruin his life.  I woke up with the same feelings I had back when everything transpired. 

I had the realization the other day that my 10 year divorce anniversary is coming up this January and a lot of things have been stirred up in the past couple of months that have brought about some thoughts and feelings that I had long since buried.  A lot of why I can't figure out who I am or where my life is going is because of what happened in October of 1999.  He stripped me of my self esteem.  He robbed me of my confidence and love for life.  I literally felt like I was going to die.  And I believe a little part of me did.

I have done everything I could subconsciously do over the past 10 years to try to bury those feelings and make up for what was lost.  At first I was concerned about what those people thought of me.  That I had to be such an awful wife that I was discarded and replaced.  But then I realized that the ones who were truly my friends would understand it was not me.  And those that weren't really didn't matter.  I tried to forget him.  Burning everything I had that reminded me of him.  I kept 2 pictures....Prom and a trip to Kings Island.  I decided that it was part of my past and I would never be completely rid of it.  But I soon realized that 9 years of my life was with him and the memories were still there.  I still saw his face and feel his touch when I closed my eyes.  Over time that has faded, but he still permeates my dreams.  He still tells me he loves me in the dreams. 

Then I started trying to build the self esteem.  I had lost a considerable amount of weight simply because I couldn't eat, but I still felt like I was ugly and worthless.  Why else would I be traded in for something that I considered less?  I started buying things.  Clothes, gadgets, trips, nights out, anything that would make me feel better for the moment.  When you hear about addictions, you think of drugs or alcohol.  The things that make you feel better physically so you forget about all the things that make you upset.  I never thought shopping would be an addiction.  I would spend money I didn't have on things I didn't need because I felt better when I did.  Of course with any addiction, it's only temporary, so you have to get more.  I've racked up a considerable amount of credit card debt to feed this addiction.  But it didn't help either.

I realized the other day that I thought 10 years later I would be all fixed.  I would be married again with some kids, a fantastic husband, a great job, and lots of friends surrounding me.  I would have no thoughts of the past, no thinking about what could have been.  All the things one dreams of when lying in bed with all the pain and other feelings that bombard you.  I have some of those things.  I have a wonderful man, though I'm working on the "husband" part still.  And I have FANTASTIC friends surrounding me.  Kids are not in the cards for me with all the physical things that have happened.  I'm dealing with the fear of cancer returning.  My job is not what I planned.  And all the pain and other feelings still pop up every now and again.

I've tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have failed me.  He's still been there telling me he loves me.  Until now....I have attended his funeral.  I still don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's gone.  I can deal with the feelings, but seeing him in my dreams repeatedly has made getting over him difficult.  There were a lot of unresolved feelings and things I wish we could talk about and I could get some answers.  I know that will never happen.  I hope from now on the man in my dreams is truly dead.

Hi, I'm Lisa

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been hectic and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it.  I haven't felt much like participating in life these days.  It would be much easier to sit on the couch and watch TV wishing that everything could be perfect like that or that it would all be wrapped up in an hours time.  Unfortunately, that's not working.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm feeling so disconnected to the things around me.  And I realized that I don't really know who I am anymore.  I used to be outgoing, fun-loving, the life of the party.  I was energetic, loved being around people, and experience everything.  I had my hobbies, my habits, my favorite things.  Now I don't know what that is.  I've tried various things.  Some of the hobbies and past times I used to do, but they just don't do it anymore.  I've tried new things.  Then I just get frustrated because I can't do them to the ability of those around me and it's disappointing.

I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do with my life.  Now I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out.  My job is not challenging.  I have 2 masters degrees and 2 specialty certifications but I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential.  I can't advance any farther and no way to improve what I'm doing.  I'm neck deep in debt and can't get out because of said job not paying what I'm worth.

Then there's the weight.  I've never been obsessed over my weight...I never had to be.  I was always thin and fit.  I was an athlete.  Then there was the divorce and the resultant anorexia that totally messed up my body.  Now I'm struggling to keep my weight under control and I'm failing miserably.

Add all of that to cancer and it's a lot for one person to carry.  I've tried my hardest to put my faith in God but it seems I'm even failing at that.  I just make it through each day and hope that the next one will be better.  I have two bible versus that have become my mantra:

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.  He never grows weak or weary.  No one can measure the depths of his understanding.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31


" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5


I've seemed to have lost Lisa Marie.  I'm hoping that one day I will be able to find her.