Catching Up

The last 3 months have been a little crazy.  It's funny how one little bump in the road can make you go completely off course!  Lots of good and exciting things have happened, but I've been so preoccupied with the negative that it was hard to be excited about the positive.  I complete my first half marathon in March.  Instead of being excited and posting about it, it just didn't seem like it was a big deal.  All I could think about it I should have been able to do better and getting frustrated with myself for being lazy.  I have an awesome job and have taken on some added responsibilities.  But I keep focusing on how little I know about the new specialty and not being the best.

I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests.  Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back.  Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds.  Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had.  Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it.  I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months.  Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.

I've always been a perfectionist.  My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be.  It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do.  The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me.  I could be skinnier.  I could be stronger.  I could be a better runner.  I could be a better athlete period.  I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner.  When it doesn't happen, it angers me.  I get angry with myself.  This leads to a lot of frustration.  And lately I've just stop trying to be better.  I've accepted my weight.  I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me.  I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything.  But is that really for the better??

I need structure.  I need a goal.  I need a purpose.  Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control.  I have to keep trying to be better.  At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan.  It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better.  Then life happens and I slack off.  But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money.  It's a little more motivating.  I have a schedule for my workouts.  I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it.  I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress.  I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.

I will be spending the next few months catching up on life.  Catching up with all the things I've let slack.  Catching up on perfection!