WARNING: this post is totally me vomiting words on the screen. Feel free to skip over this post as there really isn't much that will be meaningful or profound.
I looked up the word "obsession" in the thesaurus. It was actually very enlightening! Phrases such as "fixation", "consuming passion", and "thing" were among the list. I never thought of having a "thing" as being a problem. Though I'm coming to realize that is the case. My "thing" is a problem for me.
Over the last few years, well 10yrs actually, I've had a few losses. First I lost my home. My ex made a choice and we were stuck without a place to live. We picked up and moved 300 mi away to live with my parents and I had to start a whole new life. That started the spiraling that has led me to the chaos I now endure. He then made another choice that cost me my sanity. He chose another woman. I then moved 1,000mi away with nothing but a 5x8 trailer. My life as I knew it was over. I would have to start over with a new job, new friends, a new place to live. I felt like everything was in chaos. I had nothing to call my own. I lived with my best friend and endured her crazy life with three little ones. Surviving each day was all I could do.
Slowly things got back to normal, or at least the new normal I had created. Dating my Man, buying a house, loving my job and doing really well there with lots of new friends. But my finances never recovered from the divorce. I was left with a large credit card debt, no self esteem, and the need to buy all new things to start my life over. I started my Masters program just adding to the already hectic life I was leading. In order to keep my head above water, I was working overtime plus school plus trying to live my life. More and more chaos, more and more spending to deal with the anxiety. I lost my financial freedom.
Once I graduated, I began working for the worst organization in the world. I cannot mention it as I don't want them to sue me for anything. Let's just say they are known for their "completely dedicated pediatric approach". I spent 10 months trying to make a job for me. I was new and inexperienced, yet the organization did nothing to support me. I was a pediatric nurse practitioner stuck in an office with nothing to do. I endured it as long as I could and began to doubt my career choice. I went back to the NICU and back to school. Losing my personal time and my self-esteem as an advanced practice nurse.
Then went to work for the second worst organization in the world. Again for fear of some form of retaliation, I won't say their name either. And I can't say the organization was horrible, just 2 people to be exact that made my life miserable for another year. Again making me doubt my future as an NNP and working for them forever. I chose to leave. Losing the "family" I had worked with for the past 10years. I was again, starting over.
During all of this I was diagnosed with hypothyroid causing me to lose my figure (gained large amount of weight) and I can't seem to find it again. I was diagnosed with lung cancer causing me to lose my relative assurance that I would live a long life.
Now I'm in a great job with terrific people. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have a husband-to-be who loves me. But I still feel like my life is in total chaos. Like I'm hanging on by a thread that some one is stepping in. If I move, it will all unravel and be a heap around my ankles. I honestly believe all of these losses has caused my anxiety to rear it's ugly head. I've always been an anxious person and stress always took it's toll on me. However now I seemed to have developed a little bit of OCD in order to cope.
I've started feeling even more anxious that my desk is a mess and it only gets better when it's clean. The house is always messy to me, even when everything is in it's place. There is so much extra stuff that is not needed just laying around that is driving me insane. My work schedule has been a little crazy lately with people being out so I've not really been able to plan anything as it just has to be rescheduled. I constantly feel like there is something I have to do and just sitting on the couch is no longer relaxing. Even seeing other people disorganized causes me stress. I've realized my "thing" is an obsession with order.
I've started cleaning things out and getting rid of extra stuff. I will probably regret it at some point but I just can't have it in the house any more. I've organized my time to the best of my ability. Our self scheduling was taken away at work so I only know my schedule for the next month. I've organized my diet and exercise plan to hopefully lead to the weight loss I've been trying to achieve. I think as long as I keep to myself and don't get ugly about it with other people, it will be ok. I just know that if I don't give in to my "thing" it will only get worse.
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