I had cancer

As I approach 6 weeks, I am still a little shocked by all of this. It still doesn't seem like this all really happend. I see my scars when I get dressed in the morning and it hits me that I had cancer. When you hear the "c" word, it seems like a death sentence. Even though I know many that have survived, I know just as many that have died. I am faced with my own vulnerability.

When I first heard that I had a mass show up on my chest x-ray, I fell apart. I couldn't stop shaking. I knew something was wrong with me but I never thought about cancer. Cancer. I say the word and it makes me shiver. I had cancer. It just all seems so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up and it's just a nightmare. Or someone will say "we made a mistake". I know deep down that is not going to happen.

I've been cleared by the surgeon who says the surgery went well and I should be just fine. The oncologist says he's not worried about it coming back at all, but we will follow it just in case. But I don't feel fine. I have good days and bad days. Some days I wake up and it's the best day. I can breath, I can walk, I can work, and I get one more day with my friends and family. Other days I wake up and it's all I can do to get out of bed. I want to just crawl back in and stay there. I've been told that it's part of having major surgery like this. Something happens to the body and you can have depression. Today is one of those days. I'm very thankful to be alive and I thank God for healing me. But I just can't stand to be a part of the world sometimes. But I smile and face it anyway.

I met with my oncologist this morning to determine my follow-up routine. He did some research and it's a slow growing cancer. The surgeon was very confident that he got all of it out and the margins were clean. There were no lymphodes involved and nothing else showed up on the PET scan. So we are going with every 6 month CT scans for the first couple of years, then yearly until 5 years. At that point I will be considered "cured".

Even with all that in place and the scars that are a constant reminder, it still seems like it was someone else and not me.

I had cancer.