How Great is Our God

I don't normally preach, it's just not me.  But I know I have some who will read this that don't believe in God, or if they do they don't subscribe to His way of life.  Last night I attended the Chris Tomlin Glory in the Highest Christmas tour.  I had an amazing experience and I just have to share it as my Christmas gift!

Lately I have been struggling.  Somehow my life got of course and I've been struggling to get it back.  Decisions that have been made and things that have happened.  I'm wondering how I will ever get out of this.  I grew up in church; was always taught about God and how he can help.  But lately that's just not seemed to work.  There was some part of me that just didn't believe that enough.  Until last night...and I want to share with you what was said.

Louie Giglio is touring with Chris Tomlin and speaks during "half-time".  Of course because it's a Christmas tour, he read the Christmas story.  I've heard a million times.  Luke chapter 2...a virgin was with child, they traveled to Bethlehem, born in a manger, shepherds, wisemen...blah, blah, blah.  I was actually thinking of stretching my legs until I heard the real message.

Everyone thinks that everything has to be perfect for God.  We have to dress a certain way, getting all dressed up for Christmas.  The perfect tree, the perfect meal, the perfect person.  But there was nothing about that night that was perfect.  They were involved in a scandal of not being married and pregnant.  She was 9 months pregnant and had to ride a donkey.  They slept in a cave and were all alone when Jesus was born.  And above all else, it was Tax Day!  It was the worst situation to have a baby. 

There were 400 years between the old testament and the new testament in the bible.  God didn't have anything to say for 400 years!  Then he chose to break the silence.  Not with a loud announcement or bright lights and fireworks.  But he simply chose a baby's cry.  In the midst of all the craziness of that trip, all the problems and mess, he chose a baby's cry to make his statement.

Louie shared with us the 12 words of Christmas.  "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you" (Luke 2:11).  Not just "Here is His", but BORN TO YOU!  Born in imperfection, born in all the mess, born to save ME.  With all my mess, with all my imperfections.  God chose a baby's cry to speak.  That is the meaning of Christmas.  "Merry Christmas" means wishing you peace with God through all your mess.  The ultimate gift that God gave us.

Chris sings a song that I simply love.  Every time I hear on the radio I'm belting it out.  I'm sure those in the cars around me can hear it.  It's his version of Amazing Grace.  Here are the lyrics:

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see 

 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed 

 

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine

 

But when he sung it last night, I was filled with peace.  I was overwhelmed by the thought that I didn't have to bear all of this.  My faith in people will let me down every time.  But I can stand tall because "My chains are gone, I've been set free".  God's got my back.  He also sings "How Great is Our God" and that's the truth.  He is amazing...I just have to keep him beside me and I can walk through anything.  I wish everyone a truly Merry Christmas.

Stop the ride...I want off

As I approach the 10 month mark, I feel blessed for the days that God has given me.  These last 10 months could have been scarred with chemo treatments and sickness.  Instead, I have been able to recover without incident.  Even participated in a triathlon!  But it seems like things keep getting thrown at me and my arms are getting tired of catching them.

I've realized that I still have some emotional healing to do with regards to the divorce.  You would think that 10 years would be long enough to heal the wounds.  Apparently they are too deep and pain decides to rear it's ugly head every now and again.  Going back to IN this past weekend was just another reminder.  I was paranoid that I would run into him OR her.  Driving by old hang outs or being reminded of the good times we had once shared.  I still carry that burden in my left arm because it's the strongest.

My right arm was made weak by the surgery so that is where I carry that fear.  I've had a clean CT scan post op and everyone has said all is well.  But that fear still remains.  What if....??  I've had a couple of test results over the last few weeks that have sent up some red flags.  Getting the abdominal ultrasound tomorrow for the liver and getting the other rechecked in a few months.

Both arms are full and were already getting tired.  Then today I get hit with Joe being sent to NY for 6 months.  Now my heart is catching it.  I have to go through the next 6 months with my best friend 1,236 mi away.  Just when we thought that things were settling down.

I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle.  Talking with my parents reminded me that we will weep for a time but joy will come in the morning.  But this night seems to be lasting extra long.

Dreaming and reality

I tend to have very vivid dreams and they are not always pleasant.  I have some that are recurring and others that are random and really make no sense.  But sometimes they give me insight to my subconscious about what's going on with me.

Last night I dreamt I was attending my ex-husbands funeral.  Of course in real life I don't know if I'll ever know when he dies.  We parted ways and don't keep in contact.  That's for the better.  But I was there and all the people in my former life were there as well.  It wasn't a joyous reunion.  I was shunned and disregarded.  Some chose to not even acknowledge my existence, others looked at me with scorn.  I spent the entire dream trying to convince those people that it was not my fault.  That HE left ME and made his own decisions to ruin his life.  I woke up with the same feelings I had back when everything transpired. 

I had the realization the other day that my 10 year divorce anniversary is coming up this January and a lot of things have been stirred up in the past couple of months that have brought about some thoughts and feelings that I had long since buried.  A lot of why I can't figure out who I am or where my life is going is because of what happened in October of 1999.  He stripped me of my self esteem.  He robbed me of my confidence and love for life.  I literally felt like I was going to die.  And I believe a little part of me did.

I have done everything I could subconsciously do over the past 10 years to try to bury those feelings and make up for what was lost.  At first I was concerned about what those people thought of me.  That I had to be such an awful wife that I was discarded and replaced.  But then I realized that the ones who were truly my friends would understand it was not me.  And those that weren't really didn't matter.  I tried to forget him.  Burning everything I had that reminded me of him.  I kept 2 pictures....Prom and a trip to Kings Island.  I decided that it was part of my past and I would never be completely rid of it.  But I soon realized that 9 years of my life was with him and the memories were still there.  I still saw his face and feel his touch when I closed my eyes.  Over time that has faded, but he still permeates my dreams.  He still tells me he loves me in the dreams. 

Then I started trying to build the self esteem.  I had lost a considerable amount of weight simply because I couldn't eat, but I still felt like I was ugly and worthless.  Why else would I be traded in for something that I considered less?  I started buying things.  Clothes, gadgets, trips, nights out, anything that would make me feel better for the moment.  When you hear about addictions, you think of drugs or alcohol.  The things that make you feel better physically so you forget about all the things that make you upset.  I never thought shopping would be an addiction.  I would spend money I didn't have on things I didn't need because I felt better when I did.  Of course with any addiction, it's only temporary, so you have to get more.  I've racked up a considerable amount of credit card debt to feed this addiction.  But it didn't help either.

I realized the other day that I thought 10 years later I would be all fixed.  I would be married again with some kids, a fantastic husband, a great job, and lots of friends surrounding me.  I would have no thoughts of the past, no thinking about what could have been.  All the things one dreams of when lying in bed with all the pain and other feelings that bombard you.  I have some of those things.  I have a wonderful man, though I'm working on the "husband" part still.  And I have FANTASTIC friends surrounding me.  Kids are not in the cards for me with all the physical things that have happened.  I'm dealing with the fear of cancer returning.  My job is not what I planned.  And all the pain and other feelings still pop up every now and again.

I've tried to move on with my life, but my dreams have failed me.  He's still been there telling me he loves me.  Until now....I have attended his funeral.  I still don't know what that means, but I hope it means he's gone.  I can deal with the feelings, but seeing him in my dreams repeatedly has made getting over him difficult.  There were a lot of unresolved feelings and things I wish we could talk about and I could get some answers.  I know that will never happen.  I hope from now on the man in my dreams is truly dead.

Hi, I'm Lisa

I haven't written in a while.  Life has been hectic and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it.  I haven't felt much like participating in life these days.  It would be much easier to sit on the couch and watch TV wishing that everything could be perfect like that or that it would all be wrapped up in an hours time.  Unfortunately, that's not working.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm feeling so disconnected to the things around me.  And I realized that I don't really know who I am anymore.  I used to be outgoing, fun-loving, the life of the party.  I was energetic, loved being around people, and experience everything.  I had my hobbies, my habits, my favorite things.  Now I don't know what that is.  I've tried various things.  Some of the hobbies and past times I used to do, but they just don't do it anymore.  I've tried new things.  Then I just get frustrated because I can't do them to the ability of those around me and it's disappointing.

I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do with my life.  Now I seem to be stuck in this rut and can't get out.  My job is not challenging.  I have 2 masters degrees and 2 specialty certifications but I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential.  I can't advance any farther and no way to improve what I'm doing.  I'm neck deep in debt and can't get out because of said job not paying what I'm worth.

Then there's the weight.  I've never been obsessed over my weight...I never had to be.  I was always thin and fit.  I was an athlete.  Then there was the divorce and the resultant anorexia that totally messed up my body.  Now I'm struggling to keep my weight under control and I'm failing miserably.

Add all of that to cancer and it's a lot for one person to carry.  I've tried my hardest to put my faith in God but it seems I'm even failing at that.  I just make it through each day and hope that the next one will be better.  I have two bible versus that have become my mantra:

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth.  He never grows weak or weary.  No one can measure the depths of his understanding.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31


" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5


I've seemed to have lost Lisa Marie.  I'm hoping that one day I will be able to find her.

Where's the beef?

Well, not so much beef...maybe chicken.  I have had a problem with weight gain since my surgery despite exercising and going vegetarian.  It continues to increase and my clothes no longer fit.  And I REFUSE to get bigger clothes again.  My first thought was that the surgery messed with my thyroid and my medication needs to be adjusted.  That's easy to find out and fix.  But until then, I have to do something.  And I'm doing something NOW!

I have a nutritionist that I meet with and I have asked her advice.  We came up with a plan, but unfortunately, I need to eat meat again.  It's obvious that the vegetarian lifestyle was providing all it promised anyway, so I'm not too heart broken.  I have two medical conditions that affect my metabolism and how I handle carbohydrates (PCOS and hypothyroid).  My total protein levels were low and she feels I need more protein and less carbohydrates.  My main protein source has been legumes, which are unfortunately also high in carbohydrates.  I just can't get what I need from all plant sources.  I'm only adding chicken back in and alternating with fish and some high protein veggie dishes that I found using soy.  I want to keep the health benefits of a virtually no cholesterol diet if I can.

Then I was thinking....after my divorce almost 10 years ago, I became anorexic.  I couldn't eat and didn't eat hardly anything for 6 weeks.  Once I could eat, it wasn't very much.  I lost down to 92 pounds, but stayed just over 100lbs for several years.  I think that the severe weight loss and malnutrition totally screwed up my metabolism and I don't think it will ever be fixed.  All the hormones in my body are being regulated with pills and I gain weight very easily.  While I'm afraid obsessing over my food intake will send me back to those behaviors, I don't know what else to do.  I will follow the plan my nutritionist has laid out for me and see what happens.  Only God will be able to help me do what needs to be done without tipping over the edge.