One Year Cancer Free

Yesterday, I celebrated being 1 year cancer free!!!  While it was something to celebrate, this past year has been really hard.  Between dealing with the stress of cancer, the stress of my job, and the stress that job placed on my finances, I'm REALLY glad it's over.

I look in the mirror at my scars and I am completely amazed.  It provides such an accurate analogy for how things really do heal with time.  Unfortunately, I didn't think about taking a before picture.  But this is the 1 year later photo:

 

It's almost invisible, but there's still just enough there to remind me what I went through.  That seems to be how everything heals.  A broken heart is mended with the love of those around you, but there is always that one little mark that reminds us what we went through.  If I turn in just a certain way, I still feel the muscles/tendons pull and stretch and it hurts.  Just like hearing a certain song you shared can still bring tears to the eyes.

As I've healed in more ways than one over the past year, I have been reminded that I'm not the one who takes care of all of this.  I know that God put me in the job at FH so that I could get the best surgeon, the best care, and the best support.  He put me in a place where I would be able to get paid for being out of work.  Even though it was extremely stressful, I am thankful I was there.  

Sometimes we question what we have to go through.  Why did I have to get cancer?  Why did I have to have my heart ripped out?  Why did I have to start my life all over again?  But when it's all over and we come out on the other side, we see what the purpose was.  God never promised us an easy ride, but he did say he would walk beside us the whole way and carry us when we just can't walk anymore.

I'm on the other side now.  I know there will still be pain, both physical and mental.  I know my heart will always have a scar.  I know that while I love my new job, it isn't perfect and there will be problems.  I can truly live my life as I was intended.  And as of now, CANCER FREE!!!  

Never take goodbye for granted

On Tuesday, January 12, 2010 at 4:53:10 PM a magnitude 7.0 earthquake shook Haiti with the epicenter located 15 miles WSW of the capital city of Port au Prince lasting 35 seconds.  In that 35 seconds, the world changed for hundreds of thousands people.

I reported the event to my parents.  I received word the following day that our friends Jack and Jeanne Munos were among those affected.  They were missionaries for the Free Methodist church and had been friends of our family for many years.  The 5 story building in downtown Port that served as their headquarters had collapsed with them and several other people inside.  After about 6 hours, Jack was rescued from the rubble along with another young girl.  He suffered a broken leg and hand and was airlifted out to Guantanamo Bay hospital for treatment.  Jeanne was still missing, along with 2 other men who had just arrived as part of a work crew.

As the days passed, they were unable to locate any of those three people.  There were several members of our missions organization that tried to get them out.  However, there was no way to move the heavy boulders to see if they were still trapped on the inside.  There were no voice responses.  No signs of life.  After 4 days, they were presumed dead.

In 1997, Jeanne, along with my mom and several other people traveled to Haiti to be apart of a bible school for children.  It was then that Jeanne decided that was where she was supposed to be.  Over the next 7 years, she attended seminary at Asbury college and prepared herself and her husband for the life she would be leading.  In 2004, Jack and Jeanne finally made it to Haiti.  They taught pastors and provided spiritual guidance.  Jeanne loved the people of Haiti.  She had devoted her life to ensuring the salvation of the people.  They had just completed a church in Port that would seat 2,000 people.  It's first Sunday was the Sunday before the quake.  The church was filled to capacity.  She was able to see the fruits of her work. 

Jeanne had always said she would never leave Haiti.  She had told me many times she would die there.  I never thought that would be the case.  My mother and I had made plans and booked our flight to go down there in March of last year.  I was going to be working with children in the hospitals and showing the nurses how to care for premature and sick infants.  I was diagnosed with cancer in February and the trip had been canceled. 

In November, Jeanne flew to FL to attend an award ceremony for a member of the Haitian church.  We met for lunch at Bahama Breeze and talked again about planning our trip.  I was waiting to get the OK from my 1 year check up then going to make plans to go again.  She was always so passionate about the people and the ways I would be able to help them.  We enjoyed a few hours of good food and good company.  Then I hugged her and said I would see her when she came back in January.  I got in my car, and left.  The thought of never seeing her again NEVER crossed my mind.  She and my mother were very good friends.  When she took her to the airport, she unknowingly hugged her goodbye for the last time.

When we leave someone, we never think about "what if this is the last time".  We argue and yell, then leave it unresolved.  Or we tell them how bad they were at whatever and then leave.  How often do we call our friends just to let them know we care?  And it's not just in tragedy like this.  They could go to Wal-Mart and be at the wrong place at the wrong time and not come home.  I'm not saying that we should all be scared every time a loved one leaves.  But we should take the time to say "I love you".  Hastily running out the door and yelling good bye to your spouse in the morning.  Shoving your kids out the door to the school bus.

Jack was standing just a few feet away from his wife when the quake hit.  He had just enough time to look over and see her falling.  No time to think, no time to say "I love you".  What do you think he would give to have had that one moment back?

Jeanne was a fantastic woman who gave everything she had to serve God, even her life.  She would sign every email "for His kingdom to fully come to Haiti".  She had a calling, a mission, and she gave her life in pursuit of that mission.

May His kingdom fully come to Haiti...enjoy your homecoming, Jeanne

Wedding Madness

As I begin looking at places to have this shin dig, I realize I had forgotten what it was like the first time.  But the more I think about it, I don't think it was as difficult the first time.  I knew the church, I knew the reception would be in the church.  My mom and grandma did the cake and flowers.  And someone that worked with my mother did the catering.  The photographer was also the person who did the decorations (the arch, bench, pew decorations, candle thingys, etc) so that was easy enough.

My church is not pretty and is not the place where you envision your dream event.  So I have to find a place.  I want a church, but most require you to be a member or go through their marriage classes.  With Joe being in NY, that's not possible.  Then there is where to have the reception.  Do we do dinner or cocktail type thing?  How much should we decorate?  Should it be simple and quaint and only invite a few people or should we do it simple with lots of people?

Unfortunately the dormant girly girl is rearing her blond head.  I want the pretty flowers, the beautiful dress, the perfect scene, and the dinner where all involved can have fun.  However, that's all a little expensive and more than I'm willing to pay.  The pragmatic side is saying "you have tons of debt and it's only one night.  Why pay all that money?"

It's hard to decide exactly what one should have.  I will only get one chance to make this the most memorable night for us.  We are a unique couple with diverse interests.  We are not traditional by any means.  I want people to walk away saying "that was exactly what we would expect from their wedding".  But how do you think of those things?  And all the little details!!  I can totally see why bridezilla's emerge!  I am determined to have fun with this, though, and make it everything we want.

2010 Fitness Goals

Since I have all new beginnings, I have all new goals:

1. Run my first half-marathon
2. Participate in my first century bike ride
3. Improve my PR for the sprint triathlon (since I've only done one, this shouldn't be hard)
4. complete the daily mile challenge Tri 2010 where I complete 2010 miles in 2010 through
    proportionate biking, swimming, and running
5. improve to a sub-30 5K (if my physical limitations will allow)


And since I have a really big event planned in December, my weight loss goals are all the more important!  So I just have 3:
1. lose the 25 pounds I have put in since surgery by May (5 months)
2. lose the additional 10 I didn't lose the first time by October (35 lbs total in 10 months)
3. reduce my body fat to at least 20%

Beginnings and Endings

The last couple of months of 2009 were filled with all sorts of chaos with trying to figure out where my life was going and what I'm supposed to be doing.  As 2009 came to a quick close, I started thinking about beginnings and endings.

On Jan 13th, 2010, I will hit the 10yr anniversary of my divorce.  That day in 2000 was both a beginning and an ending.  It marked the ending of 9 years with my ex.  The end of life as I knew it.  The end of everything I had try to make work.  And as I thought at the time, the end of my happiness.  That was true for a time.  It was then I decided to make it a beginning.  Thanks to my bestest friend Teri, I was able to start everything over.  I left everything behind, packed a 5x8 trailer with my personal effects, and moved to Central Florida where I had my new beginning.

Since then, there have been many beginnings and endings.  Some more devastating that others.  The ending of life when I lost both of my grandparents.  The beginning of life seeing many friends get married and have children.  Jobs coming and going.  People coming and going.  Cancer coming and going.

As I stand before 2010, I see all the beginnings and can look back at the endings without regret.  Tomorrow I start my dream job.  I have been working my whole career to take care of kids facing cardiac issues.  Everything I have learned up to now has prepared me for this adventure.  I will be taking care of the kids, teaching, learning, and doing it in a place that will support me.  I am so excited for this beginning.  Of course, every beginning starts at an ending.  I am ending 10 years at Florida Hospital.  It is truly bittersweet.  I have many friends that I am leaving behind and many memories.  All the familiarity of the NICU.  But I'm leaving behind all the things that have made me unhappy as well.  The "beatings" by the management.  The freedoms that were slowly taken from me.  The financial situation I have been placed in by the lack of compensation for the work I did.  Those I am not sad about.

In January 2000 I was living the worst time of my life.  I had lost my best friend, my love, and my life.  I couldn't function.  In the middle of dealing with that ending, I began seeing a new guy.  And in December 2000 we decided to officially start dating.  I was not in a position to really give anything to anyone.  But he was patient and understanding.  He enjoyed being with me and didn't push anything I wasn't ready for.  In December of 2009 we celebrated 9 years together.  After all the things we've been through in those 9 years, we are ready to take the leap.  On December 4th, 2010 (2 days before our 10 year anniversary), we will be taking those vows to let everyone know what we have already decided for each other.  That we are in this for the long haul, for better and for worse.

Somewhere along the way, my body had it's own beginning.  It began to show the signs of all the stress and age.  I gained a lot of weight, my thyroid messed up, and I got cancer.  2010 will be a new year for all of that.  February will be the 1 year anniversary of my surgery and to this point, I remain cancer free.  So hopefully I have seen the end of cancer.  But the weight is still an issue.  My goal is to see the end of that as well!

2010 marks the beginning of promise.  The promise of good things to come.  Not that there won't be any endings, but with God's help, I can face those endings and bumps in the road without falling.  A new job, a new phase in my relationship with marriage, a new body, and a renewed hope in things to come.