Exercise kick-start

I got an excellent start to my exercise revolution this weekend. We were finally able to take the bikes for their inaugural ride. We went 12 miles. I think it was pretty good for the first time riding a bike in over 10 years!!! I did well, except for the sore bottom from a not very comfortable seat.

The following day, I participated in a fundraising walk for March of Dimes. I walked 6 miles :) Then on Sunday I worked outside in the yard for about 4 hours planting and weeding and spreading mulch. Today I continued the yard work for about 2 hours. But of course I've eaten like a pig today. Well, not all day. Just for dinner :)

I have a good start! Now just to keep it up...

Starting over - again

I decided that the only way I can get back is to just start rather than wallowing in self-pity. I need to get back to myself. As I have said over and over, I have to just start at the beginning. It's all in the mindset...I just have to put myself there.

Now that I have a routine set and I won't be working 5 days in a row, I can finally actually set goals and get them accomplished.

I'm starting with the exercise. We are taking the first bike ride this weekend. I got some info on trails etc. Once I get used to riding again, we will be hitting the trails and doing some camping! Can't wait!

Goal for new week 1:
*cooking all week :)

(starting small - easily attainable)

What was taken from me

He stole my self esteem....

I realized that even after 9 years, I still sometimes think about the ex and what happened. I have been struggling the last couple of years with the weight and my appearance. I look at pictures and it just doesn't seem like me. I don't know if it's the changes over time or what it is, but they just don't look like me. I see someone who's fat and out of shape with hair that just doesn't work. I was looking through some photos that were pre-ex and some that were early on and those are what I remember looking like. I was smiling and healthy and happy. Lately, I don't feel like any of that. I realized it's because he took something from me that I can't get back. No matter how much I try, how much money I spend on myself, or the toys I buy to make me feel better. I can't get back my self-esteem. I keep going to school to learn more. I buy expensive cars to look the part. I have nice clothes in hopes that I will feel good wearing them. I take trips and vacations hoping to find the fun loving person I used to be. All it's gotten me is a HUGE credit card debt. But I can't get back what he stole from me.

I just don't think that part of me will ever come back. And that makes me very sad. I used to be the one that everyone liked. The one that was the life of the party and always had a good time no matter what. Now I feel like I'm just here sometimes. Then I get people who say things about me and to me that are just plain mean. It all adds up and piles on to the point where sometimes I just want to lay there and not live in reality anymore. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as much. I don't enjoy things like I used to. And I know that affects those around me. No one wants to be around someone who's broken. So I try to put on the smile and the charm. Just like I was taught when I was younger. You have to look good on the outside no matter what. But I still feel empty. Like there's a hole where my self esteem is supposed to be.

Goals for Week 3

Like I said, one goal at a time. This week I will be focusing on the eating out portion. I buy WAY too much food in the cafeteria at work and eat out too many times for dinner. So this week, I just have one goal (well, I guess it's 2 goals with 1 focus):

1. Take my lunch and snacks every day to work
2. The only eating out day will be Saturday as we have a wedding celebration to attend

I meet with my personal trainer for the first time since surgery this week. I'm a little nervous about that one! I'm still not 100% but I'll never get there if I don't start somewhere!!

End of week 2

As I ended week 2, I realized something. It's not about doing everything at once. It's baby steps. I was trying to change all kinds of habits all at once and I was failing. Then I would start the cycle of anger and more frustration and more failure. This time, I will start small. One goal at a time. Everything can't be changed overnight but I can make the goal to change one thing at a time.

Weight is actually up. But I also had some REALLY salty/starchy food toward the end of the week. Going for the first bike ride this evening!!