The last 3 months have been a little crazy. It's funny how one little bump in the road can make you go completely off course! Lots of good and exciting things have happened, but I've been so preoccupied with the negative that it was hard to be excited about the positive. I complete my first half marathon in March. Instead of being excited and posting about it, it just didn't seem like it was a big deal. All I could think about it I should have been able to do better and getting frustrated with myself for being lazy. I have an awesome job and have taken on some added responsibilities. But I keep focusing on how little I know about the new specialty and not being the best.
I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests. Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back. Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds. Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had. Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it. I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months. Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.
I've always been a perfectionist. My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be. It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do. The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me. I could be skinnier. I could be stronger. I could be a better runner. I could be a better athlete period. I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner. When it doesn't happen, it angers me. I get angry with myself. This leads to a lot of frustration. And lately I've just stop trying to be better. I've accepted my weight. I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me. I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything. But is that really for the better??
I need structure. I need a goal. I need a purpose. Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control. I have to keep trying to be better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan. It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better. Then life happens and I slack off. But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money. It's a little more motivating. I have a schedule for my workouts. I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it. I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress. I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.
I will be spending the next few months catching up on life. Catching up with all the things I've let slack. Catching up on perfection!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
One Year Cancer Free
Yesterday, I celebrated being 1 year cancer free!!! While it was something to celebrate, this past year has been really hard. Between dealing with the stress of cancer, the stress of my job, and the stress that job placed on my finances, I'm REALLY glad it's over.
I look in the mirror at my scars and I am completely amazed. It provides such an accurate analogy for how things really do heal with time. Unfortunately, I didn't think about taking a before picture. But this is the 1 year later photo:
I look in the mirror at my scars and I am completely amazed. It provides such an accurate analogy for how things really do heal with time. Unfortunately, I didn't think about taking a before picture. But this is the 1 year later photo:
It's almost invisible, but there's still just enough there to remind me what I went through. That seems to be how everything heals. A broken heart is mended with the love of those around you, but there is always that one little mark that reminds us what we went through. If I turn in just a certain way, I still feel the muscles/tendons pull and stretch and it hurts. Just like hearing a certain song you shared can still bring tears to the eyes.
As I've healed in more ways than one over the past year, I have been reminded that I'm not the one who takes care of all of this. I know that God put me in the job at FH so that I could get the best surgeon, the best care, and the best support. He put me in a place where I would be able to get paid for being out of work. Even though it was extremely stressful, I am thankful I was there.
Sometimes we question what we have to go through. Why did I have to get cancer? Why did I have to have my heart ripped out? Why did I have to start my life all over again? But when it's all over and we come out on the other side, we see what the purpose was. God never promised us an easy ride, but he did say he would walk beside us the whole way and carry us when we just can't walk anymore.
I'm on the other side now. I know there will still be pain, both physical and mental. I know my heart will always have a scar. I know that while I love my new job, it isn't perfect and there will be problems. I can truly live my life as I was intended. And as of now, CANCER FREE!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Never take goodbye for granted
On Tuesday, January 12, 2010 at 4:53:10 PM a magnitude 7.0 earthquake shook Haiti with the epicenter located 15 miles WSW of the capital city of Port au Prince lasting 35 seconds. In that 35 seconds, the world changed for hundreds of thousands people.
I reported the event to my parents. I received word the following day that our friends Jack and Jeanne Munos were among those affected. They were missionaries for the Free Methodist church and had been friends of our family for many years. The 5 story building in downtown Port that served as their headquarters had collapsed with them and several other people inside. After about 6 hours, Jack was rescued from the rubble along with another young girl. He suffered a broken leg and hand and was airlifted out to Guantanamo Bay hospital for treatment. Jeanne was still missing, along with 2 other men who had just arrived as part of a work crew.
As the days passed, they were unable to locate any of those three people. There were several members of our missions organization that tried to get them out. However, there was no way to move the heavy boulders to see if they were still trapped on the inside. There were no voice responses. No signs of life. After 4 days, they were presumed dead.
In 1997, Jeanne, along with my mom and several other people traveled to Haiti to be apart of a bible school for children. It was then that Jeanne decided that was where she was supposed to be. Over the next 7 years, she attended seminary at Asbury college and prepared herself and her husband for the life she would be leading. In 2004, Jack and Jeanne finally made it to Haiti. They taught pastors and provided spiritual guidance. Jeanne loved the people of Haiti. She had devoted her life to ensuring the salvation of the people. They had just completed a church in Port that would seat 2,000 people. It's first Sunday was the Sunday before the quake. The church was filled to capacity. She was able to see the fruits of her work.
Jeanne had always said she would never leave Haiti. She had told me many times she would die there. I never thought that would be the case. My mother and I had made plans and booked our flight to go down there in March of last year. I was going to be working with children in the hospitals and showing the nurses how to care for premature and sick infants. I was diagnosed with cancer in February and the trip had been canceled.
In November, Jeanne flew to FL to attend an award ceremony for a member of the Haitian church. We met for lunch at Bahama Breeze and talked again about planning our trip. I was waiting to get the OK from my 1 year check up then going to make plans to go again. She was always so passionate about the people and the ways I would be able to help them. We enjoyed a few hours of good food and good company. Then I hugged her and said I would see her when she came back in January. I got in my car, and left. The thought of never seeing her again NEVER crossed my mind. She and my mother were very good friends. When she took her to the airport, she unknowingly hugged her goodbye for the last time.
When we leave someone, we never think about "what if this is the last time". We argue and yell, then leave it unresolved. Or we tell them how bad they were at whatever and then leave. How often do we call our friends just to let them know we care? And it's not just in tragedy like this. They could go to Wal-Mart and be at the wrong place at the wrong time and not come home. I'm not saying that we should all be scared every time a loved one leaves. But we should take the time to say "I love you". Hastily running out the door and yelling good bye to your spouse in the morning. Shoving your kids out the door to the school bus.
Jack was standing just a few feet away from his wife when the quake hit. He had just enough time to look over and see her falling. No time to think, no time to say "I love you". What do you think he would give to have had that one moment back?
Jeanne was a fantastic woman who gave everything she had to serve God, even her life. She would sign every email "for His kingdom to fully come to Haiti". She had a calling, a mission, and she gave her life in pursuit of that mission.
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I reported the event to my parents. I received word the following day that our friends Jack and Jeanne Munos were among those affected. They were missionaries for the Free Methodist church and had been friends of our family for many years. The 5 story building in downtown Port that served as their headquarters had collapsed with them and several other people inside. After about 6 hours, Jack was rescued from the rubble along with another young girl. He suffered a broken leg and hand and was airlifted out to Guantanamo Bay hospital for treatment. Jeanne was still missing, along with 2 other men who had just arrived as part of a work crew.
As the days passed, they were unable to locate any of those three people. There were several members of our missions organization that tried to get them out. However, there was no way to move the heavy boulders to see if they were still trapped on the inside. There were no voice responses. No signs of life. After 4 days, they were presumed dead.
In 1997, Jeanne, along with my mom and several other people traveled to Haiti to be apart of a bible school for children. It was then that Jeanne decided that was where she was supposed to be. Over the next 7 years, she attended seminary at Asbury college and prepared herself and her husband for the life she would be leading. In 2004, Jack and Jeanne finally made it to Haiti. They taught pastors and provided spiritual guidance. Jeanne loved the people of Haiti. She had devoted her life to ensuring the salvation of the people. They had just completed a church in Port that would seat 2,000 people. It's first Sunday was the Sunday before the quake. The church was filled to capacity. She was able to see the fruits of her work.
Jeanne had always said she would never leave Haiti. She had told me many times she would die there. I never thought that would be the case. My mother and I had made plans and booked our flight to go down there in March of last year. I was going to be working with children in the hospitals and showing the nurses how to care for premature and sick infants. I was diagnosed with cancer in February and the trip had been canceled.
In November, Jeanne flew to FL to attend an award ceremony for a member of the Haitian church. We met for lunch at Bahama Breeze and talked again about planning our trip. I was waiting to get the OK from my 1 year check up then going to make plans to go again. She was always so passionate about the people and the ways I would be able to help them. We enjoyed a few hours of good food and good company. Then I hugged her and said I would see her when she came back in January. I got in my car, and left. The thought of never seeing her again NEVER crossed my mind. She and my mother were very good friends. When she took her to the airport, she unknowingly hugged her goodbye for the last time.
When we leave someone, we never think about "what if this is the last time". We argue and yell, then leave it unresolved. Or we tell them how bad they were at whatever and then leave. How often do we call our friends just to let them know we care? And it's not just in tragedy like this. They could go to Wal-Mart and be at the wrong place at the wrong time and not come home. I'm not saying that we should all be scared every time a loved one leaves. But we should take the time to say "I love you". Hastily running out the door and yelling good bye to your spouse in the morning. Shoving your kids out the door to the school bus.
Jack was standing just a few feet away from his wife when the quake hit. He had just enough time to look over and see her falling. No time to think, no time to say "I love you". What do you think he would give to have had that one moment back?
Jeanne was a fantastic woman who gave everything she had to serve God, even her life. She would sign every email "for His kingdom to fully come to Haiti". She had a calling, a mission, and she gave her life in pursuit of that mission.
.jpg)
May His kingdom fully come to Haiti...enjoy your homecoming, Jeanne
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wedding Madness
As I begin looking at places to have this shin dig, I realize I had forgotten what it was like the first time. But the more I think about it, I don't think it was as difficult the first time. I knew the church, I knew the reception would be in the church. My mom and grandma did the cake and flowers. And someone that worked with my mother did the catering. The photographer was also the person who did the decorations (the arch, bench, pew decorations, candle thingys, etc) so that was easy enough.
My church is not pretty and is not the place where you envision your dream event. So I have to find a place. I want a church, but most require you to be a member or go through their marriage classes. With Joe being in NY, that's not possible. Then there is where to have the reception. Do we do dinner or cocktail type thing? How much should we decorate? Should it be simple and quaint and only invite a few people or should we do it simple with lots of people?
Unfortunately the dormant girly girl is rearing her blond head. I want the pretty flowers, the beautiful dress, the perfect scene, and the dinner where all involved can have fun. However, that's all a little expensive and more than I'm willing to pay. The pragmatic side is saying "you have tons of debt and it's only one night. Why pay all that money?"
It's hard to decide exactly what one should have. I will only get one chance to make this the most memorable night for us. We are a unique couple with diverse interests. We are not traditional by any means. I want people to walk away saying "that was exactly what we would expect from their wedding". But how do you think of those things? And all the little details!! I can totally see why bridezilla's emerge! I am determined to have fun with this, though, and make it everything we want.
My church is not pretty and is not the place where you envision your dream event. So I have to find a place. I want a church, but most require you to be a member or go through their marriage classes. With Joe being in NY, that's not possible. Then there is where to have the reception. Do we do dinner or cocktail type thing? How much should we decorate? Should it be simple and quaint and only invite a few people or should we do it simple with lots of people?
Unfortunately the dormant girly girl is rearing her blond head. I want the pretty flowers, the beautiful dress, the perfect scene, and the dinner where all involved can have fun. However, that's all a little expensive and more than I'm willing to pay. The pragmatic side is saying "you have tons of debt and it's only one night. Why pay all that money?"
It's hard to decide exactly what one should have. I will only get one chance to make this the most memorable night for us. We are a unique couple with diverse interests. We are not traditional by any means. I want people to walk away saying "that was exactly what we would expect from their wedding". But how do you think of those things? And all the little details!! I can totally see why bridezilla's emerge! I am determined to have fun with this, though, and make it everything we want.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2010 Fitness Goals
Since I have all new beginnings, I have all new goals:
1. Run my first half-marathon
2. Participate in my first century bike ride
3. Improve my PR for the sprint triathlon (since I've only done one, this shouldn't be hard)
4. complete the daily mile challenge Tri 2010 where I complete 2010 miles in 2010 through
proportionate biking, swimming, and running
5. improve to a sub-30 5K (if my physical limitations will allow)
And since I have a really big event planned in December, my weight loss goals are all the more important! So I just have 3:
1. lose the 25 pounds I have put in since surgery by May (5 months)
2. lose the additional 10 I didn't lose the first time by October (35 lbs total in 10 months)
3. reduce my body fat to at least 20%
1. Run my first half-marathon
2. Participate in my first century bike ride
3. Improve my PR for the sprint triathlon (since I've only done one, this shouldn't be hard)
4. complete the daily mile challenge Tri 2010 where I complete 2010 miles in 2010 through
proportionate biking, swimming, and running
5. improve to a sub-30 5K (if my physical limitations will allow)
And since I have a really big event planned in December, my weight loss goals are all the more important! So I just have 3:
1. lose the 25 pounds I have put in since surgery by May (5 months)
2. lose the additional 10 I didn't lose the first time by October (35 lbs total in 10 months)
3. reduce my body fat to at least 20%
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