I was smacked in the face with the realization that I'm really behind in my life and all out of sorts this past week. I'm usually Miss organization and I know where everything is, when everything is due, and have my life planned for the next 6 months (knowing that I can get a kink in it, but planned none the less)! In May I received a speeding ticket and I agreed to go to the driving school. Three months passed to quickly and I didn't go, resulting in my drivers licenses being suspended. I have never done anything illegal (besides speeding) and I was a little freaked out. But it made me realize just how out of control I had let my life become!
I was living day to day, not really knowing what was supposed to be done. The only thing I was planning in advance was setting up the kennel times for Shadow when I was working 24hr shifts. My OCD tendencies were being ignored and the anxiety was very real. The whole suspended license thing scared me enough to get my life back in order!!
It's not there by any means, but it's getting better. I spent 3 days reorganizing and purging stuff that I no longer needed. I still have things that need to go, but it's a gradual thing. I read two articles online about
downsizing making you happier and living with 100 personal items. Eventually I would like to get to that point. However, getting my other half to join me will be the REAL challenge. But now I at least know where all the important papers are (not organized but at least in one place), what projects lay ahead of me and how I can complete them, along with a diet and exercise schedule.
I have 4 days off next week to get the rest of it together. Maybe I can take a few more things to Goodwill then too! Once I'm done, I will update my blog and get my wedding blog out there too!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Anyone Can Get Lung Cancer
On February 19, 2009 I was diagnosed with Stage 1B Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma in my right lung. I was 35 years old and had never smoked.
I had the right lower lobe of my lung removed and spent 5 days in the ICU recovering. The problem that I had was that lung cancer research is severely lacking and no one really knew how I should be treated. It has always been thought that lung cancer was preventable. That as long as you don't smoke, you won't get it. Therefore, treatment research has been focused on other types of cancers. Well, THEY WERE ALL WRONG!!
Now 60% of newly diagnosed cases are either non-smokers or those that quit many years ago. It is the NUMBER ONE cancer killer, more than breast, colon, prostate, melanoma, and kidney COMBINED! And even though lung cancer causes 1 in 3 cancer deaths, it received less than 5% of the funding. Survival rates today are the same as they were in the 1970s, even with all the medical advances. (Bonnie J. Addario lung cancer foundation)
Because of this lack of research, my oncologist and I were at a loss about what to do. Being a medical professional, I have access to all kinds of medical journals and research reports. Both of us did our own literature review and found that there was virtually no research on my particular type of cancer. It is a rare form, but there are others out there like me. We found case reports and anecdotes of survival rates but NOTHING on actual treatment. Because I was stage 1B and treatment for stage 1 is "controversial", along with most case reports suggesting that surgical intervention would be enough and that chemotherapy was ineffective on those who had received it, we decided to simply do surveillance. For the last year and 4 months I've been seeing him regularly and getting serial CT scans. So far, I have had NED (no evidence of disease). But there are others that have not been so lucky.
Jillian was a 22yr old who was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer around the same time I was. She was an athletic young woman who helped her rowing team accomplish great things. She also never smoked. She went to see her doctor because of a simple stomach ache and it was found to have spread to her liver, breasts, and bone. All without any symptoms. She went through MULTIPLE rounds of chemotherapy. On June 24th, 2010 she lost her battle. While I did not personally know Jill, this could have easily been me. Or you. Or your best friend.
I have been very interested in joining the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation and WTF? (Where's The Funding) in fighting this disease. I feel very blessed that my cancer treatment ended after the 5 days in the ICU. I want others to have a way to fight this disease and win. Please take a few minutes and watch this video on Jill's life. You will see why this is such a devastating illness and why we need to fight for more research.
"Just Like Jill" Lung Cancer Research Campaign
Feel free to leave a comment if you would like more information or if you are interested in helping me fight.
I now have a new favorite song. It is the song playing in the video and has become the theme song for this campaign. Thanks to Matisyahu for allowing the use of this song.
One Day
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I’m breathing
then I pray
don’t take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
it’s not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we’ll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
I had the right lower lobe of my lung removed and spent 5 days in the ICU recovering. The problem that I had was that lung cancer research is severely lacking and no one really knew how I should be treated. It has always been thought that lung cancer was preventable. That as long as you don't smoke, you won't get it. Therefore, treatment research has been focused on other types of cancers. Well, THEY WERE ALL WRONG!!
Now 60% of newly diagnosed cases are either non-smokers or those that quit many years ago. It is the NUMBER ONE cancer killer, more than breast, colon, prostate, melanoma, and kidney COMBINED! And even though lung cancer causes 1 in 3 cancer deaths, it received less than 5% of the funding. Survival rates today are the same as they were in the 1970s, even with all the medical advances. (Bonnie J. Addario lung cancer foundation)
Because of this lack of research, my oncologist and I were at a loss about what to do. Being a medical professional, I have access to all kinds of medical journals and research reports. Both of us did our own literature review and found that there was virtually no research on my particular type of cancer. It is a rare form, but there are others out there like me. We found case reports and anecdotes of survival rates but NOTHING on actual treatment. Because I was stage 1B and treatment for stage 1 is "controversial", along with most case reports suggesting that surgical intervention would be enough and that chemotherapy was ineffective on those who had received it, we decided to simply do surveillance. For the last year and 4 months I've been seeing him regularly and getting serial CT scans. So far, I have had NED (no evidence of disease). But there are others that have not been so lucky.
Jillian was a 22yr old who was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer around the same time I was. She was an athletic young woman who helped her rowing team accomplish great things. She also never smoked. She went to see her doctor because of a simple stomach ache and it was found to have spread to her liver, breasts, and bone. All without any symptoms. She went through MULTIPLE rounds of chemotherapy. On June 24th, 2010 she lost her battle. While I did not personally know Jill, this could have easily been me. Or you. Or your best friend.
I have been very interested in joining the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation and WTF? (Where's The Funding) in fighting this disease. I feel very blessed that my cancer treatment ended after the 5 days in the ICU. I want others to have a way to fight this disease and win. Please take a few minutes and watch this video on Jill's life. You will see why this is such a devastating illness and why we need to fight for more research.
"Just Like Jill" Lung Cancer Research Campaign
Feel free to leave a comment if you would like more information or if you are interested in helping me fight.
I now have a new favorite song. It is the song playing in the video and has become the theme song for this campaign. Thanks to Matisyahu for allowing the use of this song.
One Day
sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I’m breathing
then I pray
don’t take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
it’s not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don’t let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
because
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we’ll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
for the people to say
that we don’t wanna fight no more
they’ll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Six Months
Six months seems to be the theme of my life these days. Everything is based on six months.
It all started when Joe was sent to NY. He was originally supposed to only be 6 months (Dec-May). I thought to myself that it's not that long in the grand scheme of life. It'll be okay. Little did I know that I would continue to hear "six months". Some good, some bad. Here it is more than 6 months later and he's still not home. But the theme continues.
I have 6 months until the wedding. When I think about it sometimes it seems like forever. But then other times I panic because Joe is not here and there are still lots of loose ends that need to be tied up.
Because I have 6 months until the wedding, I have 6 months to get myself back into shape. I've been exercising but not consistently and not aggressively. I'm ready to take this thing to the next level and get rid of all the excess. Excess of fat, excess foods, and excess negative feelings. I have 6 months to lose weight, gain muscle, and look FANTASTIC in my dress.
Along that same path, my cardiologist told me I could come off my cholesterol medication and see how it goes. The first check with just kinda watching my diet and inconsistent exercise was only 20 points too high. He has now given me 6 months to lose weight and lose those 20 points. If I can't, I will have to go back on the medicine. I'm 37 and I've already been on them for 8 years. I don't want to continue for the rest of my life.
I have now been on my job for 6 months. They keep telling me the honeymoon will end soon but it just doesn't seem that way. While I wish I could be paid a little better and more in line with what other PNPs in my position around the country, I can't complain too much. It got a little crazy these last few weeks with various co-workers being out and having to rearrange the schedule. But overall, the job is good and I'm comfortable there. I have a lot of great people I work with. I still miss my FH peeps, but even if I were to go back it will never be the same. They say you can't ever really go back home and that's what I feel like. Some of the people that made it a good place have left to pursue other avenues. Those that are left I still get to see, though not as often as I would like.
I'm hoping that the next 6 months will go by as quickly as the last 6 months. I was very much dreading Joe being gone for that long and now we are on the downhill portion. He now has 6 WEEKS until he gets to come home for good!!
It all started when Joe was sent to NY. He was originally supposed to only be 6 months (Dec-May). I thought to myself that it's not that long in the grand scheme of life. It'll be okay. Little did I know that I would continue to hear "six months". Some good, some bad. Here it is more than 6 months later and he's still not home. But the theme continues.
I have 6 months until the wedding. When I think about it sometimes it seems like forever. But then other times I panic because Joe is not here and there are still lots of loose ends that need to be tied up.
Because I have 6 months until the wedding, I have 6 months to get myself back into shape. I've been exercising but not consistently and not aggressively. I'm ready to take this thing to the next level and get rid of all the excess. Excess of fat, excess foods, and excess negative feelings. I have 6 months to lose weight, gain muscle, and look FANTASTIC in my dress.
Along that same path, my cardiologist told me I could come off my cholesterol medication and see how it goes. The first check with just kinda watching my diet and inconsistent exercise was only 20 points too high. He has now given me 6 months to lose weight and lose those 20 points. If I can't, I will have to go back on the medicine. I'm 37 and I've already been on them for 8 years. I don't want to continue for the rest of my life.
I have now been on my job for 6 months. They keep telling me the honeymoon will end soon but it just doesn't seem that way. While I wish I could be paid a little better and more in line with what other PNPs in my position around the country, I can't complain too much. It got a little crazy these last few weeks with various co-workers being out and having to rearrange the schedule. But overall, the job is good and I'm comfortable there. I have a lot of great people I work with. I still miss my FH peeps, but even if I were to go back it will never be the same. They say you can't ever really go back home and that's what I feel like. Some of the people that made it a good place have left to pursue other avenues. Those that are left I still get to see, though not as often as I would like.
I'm hoping that the next 6 months will go by as quickly as the last 6 months. I was very much dreading Joe being gone for that long and now we are on the downhill portion. He now has 6 WEEKS until he gets to come home for good!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Catching Up
The last 3 months have been a little crazy. It's funny how one little bump in the road can make you go completely off course! Lots of good and exciting things have happened, but I've been so preoccupied with the negative that it was hard to be excited about the positive. I complete my first half marathon in March. Instead of being excited and posting about it, it just didn't seem like it was a big deal. All I could think about it I should have been able to do better and getting frustrated with myself for being lazy. I have an awesome job and have taken on some added responsibilities. But I keep focusing on how little I know about the new specialty and not being the best.
I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests. Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back. Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds. Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had. Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it. I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months. Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.
I've always been a perfectionist. My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be. It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do. The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me. I could be skinnier. I could be stronger. I could be a better runner. I could be a better athlete period. I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner. When it doesn't happen, it angers me. I get angry with myself. This leads to a lot of frustration. And lately I've just stop trying to be better. I've accepted my weight. I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me. I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything. But is that really for the better??
I need structure. I need a goal. I need a purpose. Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control. I have to keep trying to be better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan. It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better. Then life happens and I slack off. But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money. It's a little more motivating. I have a schedule for my workouts. I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it. I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress. I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.
I will be spending the next few months catching up on life. Catching up with all the things I've let slack. Catching up on perfection!
I've spent the last month and a half seeing all my specialists and getting all the follow up tests. Oncologist is very impressed, says he's confident it's not coming back. Cardiologist says my ECHO is normal and I can try coming off the cholesterol meds. Endocrinologist said I have the best labs I've ever had. Pulmonologist says my lung function has not changed, despite missing a part of it. I've got a clean bill of health for the next 4-6 months. Yet I continue to beat myself up because I keep seeing the flaws.
I've always been a perfectionist. My parents say I've always gotten frustrated when something is less than what I think it should be. It has given me the drive to always be the best at everything I do. The problem is I think I have to be perfect at everything and I compare myself to those around me. I could be skinnier. I could be stronger. I could be a better runner. I could be a better athlete period. I could be better at being a pediatric cardiac nurse practitioner. When it doesn't happen, it angers me. I get angry with myself. This leads to a lot of frustration. And lately I've just stop trying to be better. I've accepted my weight. I've accepted that there are better atheletes than me. I've accepted that I've only been in my job 5 months and I can't know everything. But is that really for the better??
I need structure. I need a goal. I need a purpose. Otherwise I feel like my life is out of control. I have to keep trying to be better. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have a plan. It seems like every 3-4 months I have this personal crisis and I vow to make things better. Then life happens and I slack off. But this time, I've made sacrifices and spent money. It's a little more motivating. I have a schedule for my workouts. I will be organizing my life again and will have everything the way I want it. I have 6 months to lose weight and be fit enough to get into my wedding dress. I've joined a running group to keep me motivated.
I will be spending the next few months catching up on life. Catching up with all the things I've let slack. Catching up on perfection!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
One Year Cancer Free
Yesterday, I celebrated being 1 year cancer free!!! While it was something to celebrate, this past year has been really hard. Between dealing with the stress of cancer, the stress of my job, and the stress that job placed on my finances, I'm REALLY glad it's over.
I look in the mirror at my scars and I am completely amazed. It provides such an accurate analogy for how things really do heal with time. Unfortunately, I didn't think about taking a before picture. But this is the 1 year later photo:
I look in the mirror at my scars and I am completely amazed. It provides such an accurate analogy for how things really do heal with time. Unfortunately, I didn't think about taking a before picture. But this is the 1 year later photo:
It's almost invisible, but there's still just enough there to remind me what I went through. That seems to be how everything heals. A broken heart is mended with the love of those around you, but there is always that one little mark that reminds us what we went through. If I turn in just a certain way, I still feel the muscles/tendons pull and stretch and it hurts. Just like hearing a certain song you shared can still bring tears to the eyes.
As I've healed in more ways than one over the past year, I have been reminded that I'm not the one who takes care of all of this. I know that God put me in the job at FH so that I could get the best surgeon, the best care, and the best support. He put me in a place where I would be able to get paid for being out of work. Even though it was extremely stressful, I am thankful I was there.
Sometimes we question what we have to go through. Why did I have to get cancer? Why did I have to have my heart ripped out? Why did I have to start my life all over again? But when it's all over and we come out on the other side, we see what the purpose was. God never promised us an easy ride, but he did say he would walk beside us the whole way and carry us when we just can't walk anymore.
I'm on the other side now. I know there will still be pain, both physical and mental. I know my heart will always have a scar. I know that while I love my new job, it isn't perfect and there will be problems. I can truly live my life as I was intended. And as of now, CANCER FREE!!!
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